"10 - 9 - 8 - 7 -....."

::red:here::



(i had a weird moment a few nights ago. i tried to explain it to my friends, but i'm not sure it came across the right way - maybe i'll give this a go....)



it was a simple moment really - just sitting at b-dubs with 'lashes', 'heels', and hmm....let's call her, 'locks', yes?



i almost didn't go with them actually. i don't frequent the late-er night rendevoix(s) as much as i used to. i know, i know, i'm an oldie... (but a goodie, right??) but seriously, my will power absolutely crumbled and failed me when those three looked me in the eyes and said, "c'mon, 'red' - it's US!"



(you would have caved to if you had friends like these)...



so like i said, nothing particularily special was happening, but i think those have become my favorites. when you crack up over stupid things - make fun of yourself for leaving the house looking like 'that' - individual meals turn into a buffet for the group (arms interlocking to be sure to get a bite of everything) ...



it was THAT kind of moment.... when you sit back and realize how content you really are. that THESE are the moments to live for. i mean seriously, how many times do we hype up a special event up so big - that we end up leaving disappointed?







like new years.



i don't think i've had a good new years since i was 7 and my parents let me stay up until midnight...



is it just my group of friends or does everyone do that? we talk for MONTHS about how THIS new years will be the best - and we'll go here - and invite these people - and it'll be THE BEST!! (right??)



but then people end up not making it - you realize your money is better spent on work clothes than that fancy cocktail dress in the store window that you'll never be able to wear again because it's forever labeled as 'the new years dress' - you look forward to kissing that ONE guy at midnight like you agreed on, but loose track of time chatting with an aquaintance and can't find him in the crowd when it's actually time.



talk about starting the year off on the wrong foot...



maybe i'll just start referring to it as 'the new years curse' - the 'not-what-it's-cracked-up-to-be curse'....

AND YET - the exact opposite seems to happen in the most simple moments. when i think back about my favorite moments - most of them started in times of no particular importance. like family dinners/game nights, sitting around together just chatting. like camping out on my friend's farm, which included some of the best laughs i've had in a long time. like road-tripping with my sister, analyzing life. like cracking up with 'teddy' while watching videos on youtube of laughing babies. like sitting on the beach, not talking, listening to bob marley (..."every little thing.....gonna be alllriiiggghhhttt"...)

i know you know what i'm talking about.

so i've decided, that i'm gonna start living for THOSE moments.



i mean, sure, of course i'm still gonna think that THIS new years will be the best one EVER (a gal can't stop hoping, right?)

and you can just call me: 'ms. jones' - eastcoast wannabe writer...

{redhere}

every year, around this time - i get the urge to move. maybe it's that i live in a place that has cold weather for 6 months out of the year, or maybe it's just watching the seasons change that makes me antsy and ready for something new. whatever it is, i get it every year. this time, it came in the form of looking through an album of photos from a friend who lives on the east coast. {i've ALWAYS wanted to live on the east coast}. and suddenly, i pictured my perfect life in massachusetts/new hampshire/maryland and vacationing in the hamptons. i know, i know...it's a long shot, but a gal can dream, yes?

i'm the kind of girl who's always had big dreams - but i rarely vocalize them. sure i fill people in on the type of promotion i'd love to get, my desire to go to grad school in the fall, and my dream vacation with my sister in greece... but there are a few things that i hold on to that i can't seem to tell people about (possible fear of failure? fear of saying the actual words because that makes it real? .... i dunno). here, i'll fill you in on an example:

i've always wanted to be a writer (big surprise....hence the blog). i've even gotten a lot of encouragement about this too. i started off as a journalism major, but switched to corporate communications because the newspaper life is just not for me (i.e. the fast-paced, 'straight to the facts' environment). i was too terrified to attempt to make a life via free-lance writing too - so i switched to something more broad and marketable. but i guess my writing 'itch' never really faded. i've gone so far as to prepare writing samples to submit for various contests or one-time jobs, but i've never actually gotten up the courage to send it in.

(is that weird? slightly pathetic?)

i think that deep-down, i'm afraid of the critiques. what i tend to write about is fairly personal, and who's to say that someone won't completely tear it to shreds? (that's my life they would be cutting apart). i could probably write about meaningless topics - but i'm not sure that would bring me much joy. i love studying people - seeing the world in different lights - analyzing situations.... maybe this blog (and nowhere else) is just the place for that.

someday i'll write a book. don't count on it being a major publication - but i'm sure it would mean something to the people in my life. the people who would pop up in that book.

makes me wonder what other dreams people have out there. do people who live on the east coast look at my pictures and wish THEY were HERE? should we pull switch-a-roo like in "the holiday" and trade places for a bit? find the charming life we've always wanted? maybe i should develop a pen-name, so when i submit something and the best parts get edited out, it'll be "josie thompson's" life, or "darryl edward's" life that just got changed, and not mine? i wonder if that guy in data processing who seems the type to go home, fix himself a t.v. dinner, and get ready for bed - really lies awake, longing to be a go-go dancer in vegas (but of course, would never admit that to ANYONE).

sounds like the makings of a new MGM classic flick. but think about it: that last movie you saw had to be based SOMEWHAT off of someone's life, yes? maybe something they saw? sure it gets stretched and developed...but it's still SOMEONE, right?


....


.......



(gosh, i never really know how to wrap these things up.....)


IN CONCLUSION.....

(no...that's not it...)

TO SUM UP....

(no, no....)



okay, i give. you see? being a writer is hard....




"dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane, every night of the week" -- william dement, NEWSWEEK, nov. 30, 1959

urban autumn

::red:here::

one of my favorite days since moving to this lovely
city was when my roommate, 'heels' and i frolicked
about for an un-predetermined amount of time
and snapped some photos whenever we felt inspired.
here are some of my favorites:

*all this talk of doughnuts makes me want coffee*

(red here)

i have heard and read from several different sources the story that john f. kennedy made a major german language blunder in his famous, 'ich bin ein berliner' speech in berlin, germany. the story goes that he should have said, 'ich bin berliner' ('i am a citizen of berlin'), but what he REALLY said was, 'ich bin ein berliner', which means, 'i am a jelly doughnut'.

how embarassing.

yet how telling...

i can honestly say that i've felt like that. no, not a jelly doughnut. but rather - that i'm making a real effort to project myself one way, and end up failing miserably. a "jelly doughnut moment"...if you will.

for example, this weekend, i won tickets to the celebrity chef taste-testing chartify event downtown for meals on wheels. being quite the fancy event, me and my guest (aka: my favorite/only sister) dressed up to the nines in sleek, black cocktail dresses. i remember walking into the event thinking, 'yup...we're cool. we're going to a fancy charity event,' as my sister leaned over and said, 'i feel like a poser...we don't belong....BE COOL so no one can tell...' [classic].

needless to say, we were doing great the whole night - tiptoeing around to try new things and loving it. giggling at the live band that played lady gaga?? lovely. but as much as we tried to keep it from happening, our 'jelly doughnut moment' refused to stay out of the limelight. it came in the form of my sister sampling a 'unique' appetizer with cooked duck on top. try new things, right? wrong. very wrong. our 'jelly doughnut' reality surfaced as my sister threw up the duck appetizer into a nearby garbage while i instinctively did a silly dance next to her in my attempts to draw the attention away from her (really, red? that's your reaction?). and to make matters worse, right after we re-gained our composure, my classy sis managed to spill a sampling of crab bisque on the floor - splattering two nearby attendees (they were NONE too thrilled about that one).

oh jelly doughnut. you always sneak in there.

i'm always secretly amused by other people's jelly doughnut blunders. like when my best friend in highschool tripped up the stairs, causing her pants to fall down and expose her spongebob squarepants undies to the entire senior class. or when 'lashes' had a laughing attack downtown in our hometown and peed her pants - only to run into her highschool crush coming around the corner. in her defense, she tried to cover up by blurting out that she spilled her hot chocolate on her lap? but then again, her cup was still obviously completely full. oh well. such is life.

'lashes': 0, 'jelly doughnut': 1 - you win, you always do....

please don't think me cruel for saying i take joy in the mishaps of my loved ones. i promise i laugh just as hard when jelly hits ME in the face. (just 10 minutes ago, i dropped a peanut butter m&m down my shirt at work. i had to conduct a scavanger hunt in my bra to fish it out - completely forgetting where i was). i suppose the laughter keeps us 'normal' people sane.

but then there are 'jelly doughnut' moments that aren't so funny. when a part of ourselves gets exposed that we NEVER wanted the world to see. something hurtful. something honest. makes jfk calling himself a jelly doughnut to all of germany not so bad, huh?

just this week, my tears escaped here at work. (definitely not the soft center i wanted to show in that environment). i had recently gotten some bad news about my grandma's health. we all felt at peace about it - but for some reason, it all came crashing down on me while i was at work with a little time on my hands. it felt like the end of an era to me. pretty soon i would have 1 grandparent left (and i started with 5....i even had a BONUS grandparent!) i started tearing up because all i wanted to do was play clue on the floor with my sister and my grandma while she took breaks to flip the french toast. i wanted to be 10 again, in my pajamas at 8 a.m., listening to my grandpa tell a story about some interesting guy he met the other day. i wanted to look over and see my other grandpa sitting right in front of the television yelling out numbers for the 'price is right'.

tears.

exposed.

at work.

(god love the ladies sitting next to me who sympathized and talked to me about it).

but i suppose those vulnerable moments make us just as human as the funny 'jelly doughnut' ones. and given the right people around you, those 'jelly doughnut' days turn into hilarious laughing attacks in the future to share with others - and those 'sad expose' days can actually start healing and build a relationship with someone.

and besides, i figure if jelly doughnuts are good enough for JFK, then they MUST be good for something, right?

oh to be young...

{red here}

okay. i had to share. i teared up at work over this:

they asked a group of young kids, 'what is love?', and here are their answers.

• when my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. so my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. that's love. -- rebecca, age 8
• when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. you just know that your name is safe in their mouth. -- billy, age 4
• love is what makes you smile when you're tired. -- terri, age 4
• love is when mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay. -- danny, age 7
• love is when you kiss all the time. then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. my mommy and daddy are like that. they look gross when they kiss. -- emily, age 8
• love is what's in the room with you at christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. --bobby, age 7
• if you want to learn love better, you should start with a friend who you hate. --nikka, age 6
• love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. --noelle, age 7
• love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. -- tommy, age 6.
• during my piano recital, i was on stage and i was scared. i looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. he was the only one doing that. i wasn't scared anymore. -- cindy, age 8.
• love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken. --elaine, age 5
• love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than robert redford. --chris, age 7.
• love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him along all day. --mary ann, age 4.
• i know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones. --lauren, age 4.
• when you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. --karen, age 7.
• love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross. --mark, age 6.
• you really shouldn't say 'i love you' unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget. --jessica, age 8.
• and the final one, author and lecturer leo buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. the purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. the winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. when his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'nothing. i just helped him cry.'

what's a girl to do?

(red:here) - obviously (i:suppose).

with another question (clearly).

why is it so much easier to GIVE sound advice - than it is to TAKE sound advice?

i was chatting with a dear friend last night....hmm, let's see, we'll call her - - - "heels"
(keeping with the theme of the people in my life - "red", "lashes", "heels" - cheeky, right??)

chatting away, we were, and we got to talking about 'complications.' as we discussed recent events that have graciously taken up a large amount of emotional space, i started realizing how easy it is to critique someone else's life. i can look at 'soon-to-be med student' - who is struggling with decisions, and see clearly what he's supposed to do - the right direction to go. i can look at 'continuing education grad student' - who is stressed over an exam, and have complete faith in her ability to go far in the field. i can look at 'inappropriate co-worker' - who doesn't care about the job anymore, and know that if they don't pull a 180 degree soon, they will single-handedly tip the 9.8 % unemployment rate in the city to 10%.

so what's with the cloud around our own heads?

why are we left out of the loop in our own lives?

how is it - that the entire continental US can look at my life and figure it all out at a moment's notice - but i am completely and utterly baffled when things don't turn out the way i pictured it?

(for some reason, i think i'm not the only one this keeps happening to).

. . . .

i secretly think that deep down, we all have a 'best and worst' case scenario of our lives. 'heels' and i played this game last night:

"best case scenario: i get promoted at my job within a year - start my own company by the time i'm thirty - happily travel my life away."
"worst case scenario: this job is just another dead end - i never actually get around to starting my own company - at age thirty-five, i'm still trying to decide what i want to be when i 'grow up'."

we all do it.
whether consciously or not.
some give up on the best case scenario too soon.
some don't even give the best case scenario a shot.
some never let go of the best case scenario, even when a new best case scenario comes along.
some allow the best case scenario to trample all over their hearts and still never stop chasing it.
but i suppose it's a longing for the best case and fear of the worst case that keeps us going, eh?

so here is where i struggle: where do we, as outsiders, draw the line? do we choose to be a friend who points out to another when the best case scenario is a little too lofty? or are we the encouraging friend who sticks around, through and through, and never says anything when our friend's course of action needs an obvious tune-up? do we point out how clearly we can see what's about to happen? or do we let them clear the foggy clouds themselves?

i wonder what kind of friend i would want - and i realize - i am a complete hypocrite in this area. i want the friend who will support, encourage, and let me figure it out - maybe with a few subtle hints - but ultimately let's me make my decision. but i think i have a tendency to be the 'reality' friend - not necessarily too harsh and brutal - but one who says, 'hey...are you really sure? have you really thought that one through?' - in hopes of opening their eyes a teensy bit.

(maybe i need to stop that?)

so what's a girl to do? my communications degree serves me well when analyzing outside situations - but i'll be the first to admit that i allow my mind to get clogged with false hopes and lofty dreams - and i own a hand that holds on just a little too long, a little too tight to things/people that need to be let go.

i suppose this is an endless topic. i can hear my communication professors loud and clear, saying "each situation is different - each person is different - we trust our own instincts for what is necessary and that's all you can do"

i guess they'd be right. but i can't help but wonder....

any thoughts?

[status quo]

[red here]

people influence me.

a lot.

are you like me in that? or are you that coveted 'free spirit' that seems to not care. or are you a really like me on the inside, but pretend to be a 'free spirit'? that's the real question i suppose.

it's hard to admit how much people can effect you. i care so much about certain people, that i can be carrying on in a perfectly optimistic day - have one chat with a friend who had an awful day and was 'done wrong', and i'm off into negativity land. all fired up against the mistreatment of my loved one. i can be all excited about a lunch with a long-time friend - and be bummed the rest of the afternoon when it gets cancelled. but i can also be having an awful morning when i wake up late, get stuck in traffic, forget my lunch in the fridge - then find out that a family member got a promotion and be so ecstatic for them that it turns my day around.

some of you might be able to relate to this, but i am more likely to get worked up and defend someone i love against 'the enemy' than i am to defend myself to anyone. someone could do the exact same thing to me as they do to one of my roommates, and i would be like, "hey! where do you get off treating HER like that???" it's like i think they're more fragile that i am or something - like i can take it...

you could say this is just being passionate about the people in my life. or you could say that i need to get a life of my own.

it's great to be an advocate. a defender. a protector. but where's the line between living your life to make other people happy, and living your life to make you happy? to make god happy? we're supposed to live by the golden rule - treat others as we would like to be treated. but what happens if you treat others BETTER than you treat yourself? allow yourself to be a doormat to other people's needs? i'm not necessarily THAT extreme about it, but i guarantee we could all think of someone we know who fits that mold.

[i think may have filled up my quota for questions per post - especially considering i have no set of answer to offer up]

in keeping with this theme - i think we all need to find out what makes us tick. maybe part of that IS family and friends, but what else is it?

in the past month, i've discovered some things about myself, in my attempt to not be such a people pleaser:

• i like going to bed early. i hate the feeling of being too groggy in the morning and i NEED at least 7 hours of sleep.
• i'm allowed to say 'no' to an event that i don't actually want to go to.
• i hate running. ask me to play tennis? basketball? football? soccer? bikeride? walk? i'm there. don't ask me to go for a run.
• cooking relaxes me. i like to prepare a good meal and finding a new recipe makes me giddy.
• i don't like soda. the fizz chokes my throat a little and i always feel sick afterwards. i will not feel pressured to drink a soda just because it's offered with a meal.
• i love feta cheese. i will cook it in just about anything and be satisfied.
• i can stay home on a friday night and not feel like a 'loser' because that's when you're SUPPOSED to go out. i'm allowed to be tired from the week, come home, pop in a movie, and call it a night.

take from that what you will. these are some minor things, and some major realizations on my part. just realizing that i don't have to do something just because someone asks me to, is HUGE.

i guess it's all about finding that happy medium. we need people. we're made that way. we function in a social world.

but there is something to be said for sympathizing with someone, but not becoming them.
crying with them, but not killing yourself with it.
defending them, but not letting it ruin your day.

i say:
celebrate in your own joys.
get happy about your own victories.
cry when you need to.
go out in a group when you want.
stay in and read a book when you want.
make lots of friends and aquaintences, but only die for a few.