[still hiding]up.my.sleeve.

this might be more fun.

2011-02-24T09:42:00.004-06:00

::redhere::

it takes a lot for me to abandon a blog i've been writing on for 3 years. but 2011 has proven to be a year of change in my life (already). so here goes nothin'

just to see how it feels:
http://suzscribbles.tumblr.com/

i hope the few of you will move there with me

when i'm sad, i sleep.

2011-02-18T14:06:00.001-06:00

::i wish i lived closer to my sister::

2011-02-09T09:18:00.000-06:00

themesong.

2011-02-03T13:30:00.002-06:00

if my life were a movie, this is the song i would want to be playing for those "walking down the street" interludes - where i would have some sort of huge epiphany. i know you know what i'm talking about.

the snowpocalypse.

2011-02-03T10:19:00.000-06:00

::redhere::

well we survived.

i don't care what you think.

2011-01-31T11:13:00.001-06:00

::redhere::

this post started off as quite the rant - but after further inspection, i'm attempting to tone it down. maybe come up with a good metaphor for the way i'm feeling (but that would take some extra thought). let's just say, i'm in a mood.

i have always been one to make my own decisions. it's always been hard for me to learn from other people's mistakes because in my opinion, there are too many variables. (sometimes i think i don't reason the same way other people do). needless to say, the 'aries' in me is convinced that i make decisions just fine on my own (and good ones at that if i do say so myself. and i do).

i hope that no one in particular takes offense to some of this, but honestly, i've grown awfully tired of everyone's opinions. (it's getting overwhelming).

i don't want your advice.

i get an inner "rolling of the eyes" feeling when you give me unsolicited advice. (especially when you ask, "you wanna know what i think?" and i bluntly say, "not really..." - but you tell me anways). call me rude, but i don't really much care what you think my next move should be. (it's times like these when i start typing slowly, because i'm not sure i should be feeling this way - the "not caring" kind of feelings, that is).

the fact of the matter is, i'm happy. i'm excited for my future. but sometimes when i tell people those two facts, it's like they don't believe me. they give me a side-glance and it's like they're trying to justify their own unhappiness by pushing it out on me - (that they're not that happy, thus no one else must be that happy, thus i can't possibly be that happy).

--OR--

i may, in fact, show happiness in a different way than you do. (shocking). my happiness many times shows itself in the form of a quiet afternoon. it doesn't mean i'm melancholy. it doesn't mean that i'm lonely. it doesn't even mean that i have nothing better to do. it mostly means exactly what it looks like - that i'm doing exactly what i want to be doing.

that being said, there are a few select people who can give me their opinion at any given moment and i will entertain it because they are who they are. people in whom i will never take offense at what they say. people who love me no matter what and believe what i say. people who keep my secrets and i keep theirs.

but to everyone else, let me say this: you want things for me that i don't want for myself. so (respectfully) keep your opinions to yourself.

please and thank you.

you are what you eat.

2011-01-24T12:14:00.002-06:00

i really do believe that there's something about a person's surroundings. and i truly mean the full vast of surroundings that the word itself encompasses.

i am happiest when i'm with the people i love, in a place that i love (which if i'm honest, it becomes a place that a love simply because the people that i love happen to be there).

in this cold winter time, when i'm less likely to exit my cluttered apartment, i need to make a conscious effort to make myself more "spring time" instead. so maybe i start taking a turn to improve my surroundings.

a clean desk always leads to more productivity in my world
a warm blanket can steal my bad day away from me - so i will make more blankets. and give away more blankets. because who doesn't love a blanket?
my future apartment(s) will have access to beautiful sunshine streaming through my large windows
i will spend more time with my favorites and work to create more time for the unexpected friends i always enjoy
i will stock up on lightbulbs - because let's be honest, it just makes sense for a light-lover such as myself
i will make my surroundings a reflection of myself

the simple life.

2011-01-18T10:39:00.002-06:00

::redhere::

sometimes i wish my life were as simple as tut's. when all i really needed...

was for you to throw my toy.

the cure to my bad day/happy birthday "locks"

2011-01-11T13:28:00.001-06:00

this conversation needs to be shared with the world:

Red: i have been justifying my bad eating this week because it's your birthday.

i should probably only get away with that for like a day - not so much a week

Locks: its birthday week

Red: agreed.

Locks: for everone

Red: i just downed a jimmy johns sub as though i've never seen food before.

i think i have a problem.

Locks: jealous

Red: probably not jealous of my weight gain.

Locks: god i can rival anybody in that dept

gotta move up to plus size

Red: i can't even talk about it. because then i'll start tearing up. and then i'll feel like one of those sobbing fat girls on ricki lake or something.

and i refuse to sit on a couch and talk about how fat i am.

Locks: ricki lakeeee

HAA

laughted out liud

and also, can't spell

Red: haha i'm so glad you enjoyed that.

because i meant every word.

Locks: well wherever you go you know ill be sitting in the larger chair next to you

Red: HAHAHA

oh god.

the armless chair.

Locks: yes

the extra plush one

with extra room

Red: that would make most people dangle their feet it's so big. but not us. cuz our back fat makes us sit on the edge of the extra plush armless chair.

Locks: you just had to bring the back fat into this

Red: HA

it probably goes without saying. just couldn't help it.

seriously, these chats are probably the best things in my life sometimes.

if i was skinny, i don't think i could enjoy these fat conversations as much.

Locks: no we would have very little to talk about

my stomach wouldnt hurt

we couldnt bring up talk shows

Red: never.

Locks: we would sit and talk about how hungry we are

and thats all

Red: big chairs would mean nothing to us.

Locks: which would probably just lead to a binge fest anyways

Red: and then we'd be back here.

laughing at back fat.

Locks: exactly

and we go full circle

much like my stomach

Red: HAHA

oh no...

this conversation should be documented.

Locks: thats fair

Red: i change names to protect the innocent but let's be honest - we'll all know.

Locks: absolutely

theres no protecting this

Red: there's no use even trying. there name tags on the big plush armless chairs with our names all over them.

Locks: yep

can't miss us walking down the street either

Red: now that's the truth. who needs a name tag when we're standing right in front of you.

Locks: HAHAHAH

thats it

after birthday week

no more fun

Red: no more laughter. only skinny.

smile.

2011-01-05T11:47:00.002-06:00

defaced.

2011-01-05T09:03:00.001-06:00

::redhere::

perhaps one of my favorite christmas gifts this year was a set of photo coasters from my boss. i keep them on my desk at work, where i've desperately needed coasters for quite some time. it came with four coasters, and i diligently attempted to choose photos that included all of my favorite people: my fiance (love that word), my family, my roommates...and i thought i did pretty good.

except now, is it wrong that i feel kind of strange putting a hot cup of coffee or an icy gatorade right on top of my loved one's faces?

i love lamp

2010-12-15T13:36:00.000-06:00

::redhere::

isn't it great how a simple lamp can change the ambiance around my desk so much that my productivity (and apparently my outlook on life) has completely taken a turn for the better?

::redhere::

2010-12-08T13:57:00.003-06:00

have you ever decided to change your hair (the whole works, that is)....and what you really wanted, was to loose 10 lbs?

happens to me just about every time.

tossing. turning.

2010-11-19T09:47:00.001-06:00

been having the craziest (most confusing) dreams this past month. i've never been a nightmare(ish) type of person, but they've been wreaking havoc on my slumber. i won't delve into the gory details and/or interpretations. however, i must say this: last night's dream was seriously over-the-top weirdness. it involved me getting a tattoo of mickey mouse on the right side of my nose. the tattoo artist, of course, was none other than my mother (who happens to be fundamentally anti-tattoo). i mean seriously.

i can't say that i would prefer to be greeted by this happy creature every time i look in the mirror (thus making this particular dream a definite check-mark in the nightmare category).

in other words, (especially you, "locks"): i prefer that you not.

heaven will look something like this.

2010-11-15T11:17:00.001-06:00

design sponge, thanks for being so inspiring.

::bigdreams::

2010-11-10T15:55:00.001-06:00

::redhere::

i always wanted to write songs. i can't even begin to tell you how often i listen to a song and think, 'now why didn't i write that? i totally could have written that.' on top of that, i'm usually standing in an awestruck stupor at the brilliant metaphors my favorite musicians come up with.

but i think i'm just too 'wordy' to be a songwriter. i can usually say exactly what i mean to say, when i mean to say it - but for some reason, i haven't quite mastered the art of saying exactly what i mean to say, when i mean to say it, ALL THE WHILE saying it in the perfect number of measures it needs to be said in.

so now, i fear that my 'language rich' explanations and conversations are losing about half of the audience of ADD-sufferers in the world.

....maybe i should work on that....

irony.

2010-11-08T16:22:00.002-06:00

::redhere::

i find it interesting that while most of my posts consist of my negative commentaries about change - i can barely stop from changing the scenery around me constantly (blog background, the artwork on my walls, my desktop backgrounds, greenery on my desk).

what does that tell me?

in it together.

2010-11-05T11:49:00.001-05:00

::redhere::

is there a way to avoid hurting people? because i try so hard (that whole 'need to please' thing). but it inevitably happens.

and somehow it doesn't seem to help to point it out ahead of time either. is there a forehead sign that says, "hey - i'm probably gonna cause you some inner pain. i won't mean to. but it'll happen. i'll let you down at some point"?

i don't think so.

is it even fair? i hate the hurt.

most of the time i feel like i can take it. as in, i would rather take the insult. take the complaint. take the ::ping:: to my heart, before i would do it to you.

is there a way to cocoon people? to say that they deserve better than the trenches they're in?

::a little lyrical love::

2010-11-05T09:56:00.001-05:00

::redhere::

had the privilege of standing in the front row at the sara bareillis concert this week with my girl "locks." probably one of the most enchanting experiences i've had to date. that being said, here are a few favorite songs of hers (and her opener, holly conlan) that you should check out if you haven't already. you won't be disappointed.

holly conlan: okay
sara bareilles: basket case
holly conlan: you are goodbye
sara bareilles: hold my heart
sara bareilles: uncharted

the perfect urban autumn mix if you ask me.

when things change.

2010-11-02T16:57:00.002-05:00

::redhere::

just been having some mixed emotions lately - mostly in regards to change (imagine that - does that seem to be a running theme in my posts? do i continually have the same type of confusion?)

to this day, i'm still having a hard time growing up. do you remember when we were kids - and the hardest decision we had to make was which cereal we wanted to eat in the morning (fruity pebbles or honeycomb)? and even now, if i can justify that the types of decisions i have to make are still about the same (i still never know what to eat for breakfast), i can't help but notice that the factors have changed (you finally decide that what you truly want is fruity pebbles, only to find out, once you pick up the box, that all the cereal is gone and the box was accidentally returned to the shelf). so then what? (do you choose honeycomb out of default? do you just go without breakfast? do you ask your mom to buy you captain crunch instead? or do you decide to 'make a good decision' and try your dad's kashi?)

decisions. decisions.

basically, things get more complicated the older i get (don't you agree?) life, for me, has become more of a series of choices rather than the actual passing of time (although i'm sure you could defend both sides of that argument). that a minute is a minute is a minute. but it's what HAPPENS during that minute that makes it better/happier/more pleasant than another minute.

(maybe you can just chalk those ramblings up to another crazy thinker with a metaphor)

my head is spinning. what i really wish i could do is be very specific with you. to delve into my personal life and share very specific examples of what throws me for a loop on a daily basis (rather than scrunch my face - desiring the best of vague explanations to get my point across). but then again, i'm not under any sort of impression that tens of thousands of people (more like 15) will ever see this post even if i did broadcast my specifics.

that being said, i think what i really want to tell you, is that my feelings are hurt and i don't know if they should be. should they be? is it okay to be sad that my friend got married and now i never see them? (authors note: melinda, if you're reading this - i promise i'm not talking about you :) am i making it up that i think that their spouse's friends are now their preferred social circle? is it wrong that i get a ping every time my call goes to your voicemail?

great. now i'm being overly dramatic. because i know full well that i'm not just upset about this one old friend who happened to get married (who i'm actually very happy for...seriously). i think i'm truly disoriented about the fact that MOST of my old/great/close friends now have different priorities. and i suppose i could, in fact, lump myself into that category. who's priorities are even supposed to stay the same over the years?

now i'm debating if i truly feel this way in the first place - much less whether i actually intended to express it in a public forum (to become one of THOSE - who writes about something rather than talking to the actual people about it).

in very simple terms: i want fruity pebbles. but i'm realizing that my fruity pebbles sitting in the pantry are just like everyone else's cereal: the box eventually runs out.

which makes this minute feel a bit different than the last one.

::prejudice::

2010-10-29T13:17:00.012-05:00

::redhere::

lately, i've put in a little bit of thought towards a recent Marie Claire blog post by Maura Kelly, titled, "Should 'Fatties' Get a Room?"

i don't normally follow these types of blog(posts), but it was drawn to my attention when one of my favorite authors, Jen Lancaster, provided a response to the article. i suggest you take a look at both the original article, as well as Ms. Lancaster's response - you won't be disappointed.

first, let me say, that i firmly agree with Ms. Lancaster's response, however, i'm wondering if Maura Kelly still has a valid point. but it's hard to see any sort of validity when you have to look past her glaring errors: 1. she's never even seen the show that she refers to. 2. she's never been overweight. 3. she uses derogatory terminology for a group of people as though we don't live in a 21st century world where no form of prejudice should be allowed. people are people. you don't have to accept them - but you certainly have to respect them.

but if you can see through the smoke, she may have a few interesting questions to ask: 1. is 'overweight' a societal norm? 2. do people feel uncomfortable around an obese population? 3. is gaining weight something that everyone can avoid? but my counterpoint to this may mostly have to do with the way these questions were presented. i think that obesity is a huge problem in our country. note that i used the word "OBESE" - not "slightly overweight" OR "a little chubby." i think that many weight problems could be avoided (including my own struggle to drop a few pounds). many times it does take a bit of motivation and self control to achieve an ideal weight - but Maura Kelly's definition of an "ideal weight" may be different than mine - considering her confession about a previous eating disorder that she suffered with. so tell me, was this author the right person to be writing this type of controversial article?

another fantastic counterpoint to the original article is made by author, Stacy Ballis, who's thoughtful consideration of the article resonates with me quite a bit. i think this particular point is what clicks with me the most:

Shame on you, Marie Claire. In an age where bullying sends kids down a suicide path, endorsing ANY denigration of another human being based on who they are and not what they do is shameful. You want to hate someone because of their actions, fine. Lord knows I have a list of my own. But weight, no less than skin color, sexual preference, religion, or gender identity is a part of who someone is, and intolerance of who someone is, that is as base as someone can be.

through all of these points and counterpoints, i keep thinking about the same question over and over:

is obesity our newest prejudice?

one can argue that obesity is something that a person can control. that no one is born overweight, thus, they must have done this to themselves. but does that make it okay for people like Maura Kelly to make comments about how much it disgusts her to watch an obese person walk across the room, much less show affection to another? if she had dared make this type of comment about a certain race, gender or sexual orientation, there would be several advocacy groups down Marie Claire's throat to issue an official apology, if not more. would the magazine have been sued? i wonder. but for some reason - it seemed okay for this writer to publicly publish her personal, albeit strong, opinions about fat people. what gives?

in my personal opinion - there are several ways that this type of article could have been done properly. i don't think that touchy issues should be avoided, but i think they should be handled with care. when you're writing about a topic that affects many people, on a very personal level, you best put your sensitive thinking cap on and be sure to cover all your bases. i believe that if the following things were done differently, i wouldn't be so offended by Maura Kelly's article:

watch the show you're writing a commentary on. DO YOUR RESEARCH. are you kidding me? that's composition 101.
when presenting a strong and/or unpopular opinion, it's in your best interest to also publish a counterpoint from another thoughtful/intelligent writer. don't do this AFTER your outraged audience speaks, but BEFORE. this fosters healthy conversation and respect for differing opinions.
don't use terms like "fatties" or "overeaters." try to be a little proper about it, could you?
it's in your best interest to refrain from giving advice about something you yourself have never had to deal with. hey thanks Maura Kelly for that brilliant advice about working out for 30 mins a day and eating more vegetables. is that how you did it? oh wait...you've never been overweight.
practice a bit of humility when condemning an entire group of people. realize that people are individuals and suffer from different problems for different reasons. take a minute to remember that.

so now, i'm interested in hearing your thoughts. which points or counterpoints resonate with you? is this a topic we should even broach?

i never told anyone....

2010-10-18T13:36:00.000-05:00

but this song got me through my trip to my grandpa's funeral last year. don't ask me why. but this was the only thing that kept me from openly weeping on the train.

thanks.

::just things::

2010-10-07T13:16:00.000-05:00

::redhere::

i think it's important to write down your goals - even the little ones. in fact, most of my wants/goals are pretty simple (maybe it's because the thing i like most about making a list, is getting to cross things off of said list)....

library. i want a library. literally a LIBRARY of books in my future home. with a ladder you have to climb to reach the top circa: belle in beauty and the beast. much like this one.
upholstery. i want to upholster so many things. but i think i need to learn how to first...
grad school. i want to be an expert at something.
chalkboard. i want a huge chalkboard in my place where i write down stupid things like this so i'll remember to do them when i'm having a down day. much like this one.
book. i want to write a book. if i'm honest, i think it would mostly be a book for myself rather than a book meant for anyone else to read.
playlist. i want to make a playlist of my life. significant moments. i think music can conjure up emotions and memories more than anything else.
create. i want to master the art of making. anything. i want to look at something and redesign it. repurpose it. make it something else.
travel. ask me to go anywhere and i want to go. i think i just need to start making the time.

i want my list to change. develop. evolve. i don't want to be that person who looks back in time wishing i had done the things on my list. i want to complete this list and make a new one. add to the list. be allowed to delete something from my list.

i can't wait to get started.

::bob dylan, thanks for being so brilliant::

2010-09-23T15:12:00.000-05:00

when the rain
is blowing in your face
and the whole world
is on your case
i could offer you
a warm embrace
to make you feel my love

when the evening shadows
and the stars appear
and there is no one there
to dry your tears
i could hold you
for a million years
to make you feel my love

i know you
haven't made
your mind up yet
but i would never
do you wrong
i've known it
from the moment
that we met
no doubt in my mind
where you belong

i'd go hungry
i'd go black and blue
i'd go crawling
down the avenue
no, there's nothing
that i wouldn't do
to make you feel my love

the storms are raging
on the rolling sea
and on the highway of regret
though the winds of change
are throwing wild and free
you ain't seen nothing
like me yet

i could make you happy
make your dreams come true
nothing that i wouldn't do
go to the ends
of the earth for you
to make you feel my love

::feelingnostalgic::

2010-09-20T15:08:00.000-05:00

::redhere::

my best friend gets married in less than 5 weeks:

2006

2010

time flies?

::craftsunday::

2010-09-09T10:12:00.002-05:00

::redhere::

sundays are my favorite. if i had to pick a day i couldn't live without - it would be sunday (by far).

mondays: well, no one really likes mondays, right?
tuesdays: busiest day at work. doomed to come home frazzled.
wednesdays: too far to the weekend.
thursdays: have the potential to be decent, but typically fall slightly short.
fridays: i try to love fridays, but usually i'm incredibly too worn out from the week to really love fridays.
saturdays: nothing bad to say about saturdays. sleep in. run errands. date night with teddy (my favorite). the whole bit.

but sundays: oh sundays. all of my boring tasks are completed by sunday. so i can sleep in. go to church. eat breakfast with the roomies. and decide what "locks" and i want to do for.....

CRAFT SUNDAY!

craft sundays are this glorious project time that locks and i have come to know and love. we shift through do it yourself blogs, designsponge.com, and brainstorm things we want to make or decorate around the apartment.

thus, i wanted to share with you some things we've been working on lately. we clearly love a good craft or project, so if you have any fun ideas - let me know!

this clearly took more than one "craft sunday" to complete - but i finally wrapped up this quilt i've been working on for teddy - it's made with patches of some old or outgrown clothing with a jersey knit backing.

this is one of my favorites, actually. i found this cute little end table next to a dumpster in valpraiso, IN, after co-hosting my best friend's bridal shower. it was a beat down, ugly wood-paneled piece that just needed a little touch-up. i sanded it down and painted it a distressed, antique-white color. i love the detailing on the front of it, and played around with painting that part a different color, but i think i like the clean look.

before and after: (sorry they're a little blurry) - we have this problem in our apartment that everyone's things just get strewn about right in the entryway. to keep down the clutter, we decided to buy a bin ($1!!) per roommate and each one could decorate the way they wanted it and throw their things in it when they came home. i picked a black and white, paisley-ish wrapping paper that i really loved, cut it into small squares and used a paper mache technique to cover the boring black bin. super simple and super cheap.

this is also one of my favorites. it was a simple wall-art project i found on designsponge.com. it's made out of toilet paper rolls! cut the rolls into 6 even pieces and shape them in an oval. i painted them white and you can glue or staple them in whatever design you like. it took a bit of time to paint them all, but i love how it turned out!

stayed tuned for more craft sunday projects that are sure to come....

carbs

2010-08-31T21:21:00.001-05:00

::redhere::

havent eaten one of my favorite foods in about 6 months.

pasta. that is.

recently had a taste of pasta alfredo and ended up eating it three times in one week.

tonight. went window shopping. tried on a few fun things.

realized why i stopped eating said favorite food in the first place.

dangit.

about that honesty thing...

2010-08-28T15:24:00.000-05:00

::redhere::

i suppose wishing that people would be more honest comes in a package of good and bad. i don't QUITE take back everything i said, but someone was recently painfully honest with me...

and let me just say this: be careful with your honesty.

starting a sentence with "don't take this personally," doesn't release you from any reaction the person may have. it only expresses your own complacency.

::just a hint of it::

2010-08-26T13:54:00.000-05:00

::redhere::

honesty. that's one of those tough words i think most people don't even know the meaning of anymore. people get awfully good at pretending like they have it all together.

like when you meet up with an old friend. it's easy to make your life sound much more fantastic than it really is. for example:

outwardly: "i decided to quit my job. i know it sounds extreme but you know? i'm excited to really find a job that i love!"
inwardly: i got fired. and i'm terrified.

all the while, the listener thinks you're incredibly courageous and brave, wishing they had the guts to go after what they really want too.

language. it's interesting, yes? not to mention connotations and non-verbals - all paired together to make us seem much more put together than we really are.

it's with all of that in mind, that a few choice moments have surprised me lately. i'm almost caught off guard when someone is completely open and transparent with me. i met up with an old friend a while back and was completely shocked when i asked how they were doing and what they'd been up to since we last spoke. their response was, "honestly, i'm not where i thought i would be at this point in my life. and i have no real sense of direction either. just trying to figure things out."

BAM.

there it was. the kind of honesty that is hard to come by. and i'll tell you what; not for one second did i roll my eyes at this person - think about how terrible they're doing - or wonder how they got so lost. my only thought was, 'yup. i think we've all been there. it's just a small group of people are willing to admit it.' that friend gained a truck load of respect from my end and if you ask me, they're about three steps ahead of the rest of the world simply because they can acknowledge their fears.

another time, i happened to come by a friend's blog. curious and interested in the 'cheeky' things i thought they'd come up with- i was surprised to find that they'd been dealing with quite the load. expecting touching music lyrics, the occasional quote and/or funny story, i was blown away by relationship burns, continuous hurt and shocking internal revelations that most would be floored to see from this person. the honesty presented was touching yet awful.

for the most part, i think we have no idea what our acquaintances deal with on a regular basis. few people actually stand up and say, 'this sucks.' i think if we did, we'd find that we're not alone in most things. we'd find out awfully quickly who are real friends are - which can be painful - but i think necessary for the long-term.

have you ever gone to Post Secret? it's ridiculously eye-opening. makes you think a bit differently about the world. even though it's anonymous, i think it's a step in the right direction - towards honesty, that is. maybe we should all take the hint and start dealing with whatever's happened instead of glossing over it with a cheery story or two. i'm just sayin...

2010-08-05T11:00:00.000-05:00

maybe if a few more people cared - we wouldn't be here. the world, that is.

step outside of yourself. you're no better than anyone else.

::untitled::

2010-07-25T16:41:00.002-05:00

::red:here::

haven't written in a while because i haven't quite felt like myself. i've been trying to sort things out in my head, but i think the place i really need to sort things out is on paper. whenever things get confusing, i force myself to go back to what i know to be true. to make life a little simpler again. to remind myself that i don't have to weave such a complicated web - i just have to remember and cling to what i know.

so here i am. writing. (or at least attempting to write). because writing is one of the things that i know....

i spent the weekend alone this time. i think i used to think that a weekend spent alone was a wasted weekend, but my mindset has shifted just enough to realize that a weekend spent alone might be the best kind of weekend. i finished a few projects, laid in bed a bit, watched a few movies and basically - well, didn't really try to please ....anyone.

do you ever feel like you're putting on a show from monday to friday? and by the time you get to friday, everyone wants you to pump that show up even more and all you wanna do is scream, "I'M TIRED...." i think i feel like that a lot lately. (my parents would be shocked to see their little social butterfly actually say that they don't mind being alone every once in a while).

after a brief anxiety attack on thursday, i had to stop and think, 'what could possibly be wearing me out this much?' and you know what? i think it's a lot of things. mostly circling around negativity. i'm sick of bad news. there are so many times when i physically want to pick up the world and shake it. i just don't understand (so many things). and it's bringing me down.

got some bad news in my own life recently and i still can't seem to wrap my mind around 'why' much less the 'how'....

the city is wearing me out. it has lost most of its charm in my eyes. i hate the traffic. i hate the ridiculous prices. i hate the crowds. the city aspects that to be so exhilarating to my soul have changed teams and now seem to be working against me. (what i wouldn't give to find a parking spot right in front of my chosen destination and not have to walk a one block radius to make sure there are no hidden parking stipulation signs).

my commute is exhausting. i love my job. but i hate my commute. i used to like the idea of having a chance to wake up and listen to talk radio on my way to work - but now, it's just another hour of sleep i'm losing.

some of my favorite people live the furthest away. i know that fact is something everyone deals with at one point or another - and really, it should be a positive thing because it means that we're all out there doing what we're supposed to be doing. what we WANT to be doing. but it's just not how my child-like mind pictured it for so many years. it's so spoiled of me to say - but i'm upset that my family lives hours away, that one of my best friends lives in a different state, that a long-distance relationship might be in the near future for me. they are the ones i love. and i want them with me. simple (and selfish) as that.

this is the part when i usually apologize for taking that turn into negative-town. but i don't think i'm sorry yet. i have to get these things out to keep them from eating me alive. i know there are worse things in life - there always are - and i have much that i'm thankful for. but i think we're all allowed a certain amount of time to sort things out. to be negative for a bit. to turn off our phones and crawl into bed instead. i promise i'll try not to take up any more of my allotted 'sulking' time - but i'm owning it for today.

so for now - to stay sane - i'm clinging to what i DO know....

that i love to write.
that i have the best family.
that i have the most fantastic, loving boyfriend.
that i can tell my friends anything.
that i serve a God who will never leave me alone.

and that i am loved.

and that's enough to get me through today.

::us::

2010-06-17T16:27:00.000-05:00

and if you have a minute why don't we go
talk about it somewhere only we know
this could be the end of everything
so why don't we go somewhere only we know?

::you::

2010-06-16T16:21:00.000-05:00

::redhere::

on a daily basis, i make a fool of myself. sometimes i slap my forehead and wonder how people manage to work with me/live with me/hang out with me/be related to me.

i spill a glass of water all over myself just about everytime i go out to eat with a group.
my skirt blew up when i was walking to my car on a windy day right in front of the executive offices. needless to say, that's not the first/only time that's ever happened to me...
i always hit my head on the washer/dryer units whenever i'm loading my laundry.
i don't take criticism all that well (even when i try to pretend that i do) and it clearly shows on my face.
i can't tell you how many times i've cried at an inappropriate time/setting. (sorry....)
i'm constantly replaying old conversations in my head, only to roll my eyes at something ridiculous i said.
i will forever correct people's grammar - even though it's rude to interrupt - not to mention that not one person appreciates their words being corrected....
i'm usually busting with nervous laughter and i'm afraid that it makes most people feel a bit awkward.

i ALWAYS look back and think of better ways i could have said something. (especially really important somethings).

because i HATE when i can't quite put something into words. (especially really special somethings).

maybe all my mistakes will disolve when i stop caring so much - or maybe that would be the beginning to my demise.

just don't give up on me.
because i need this to work.

not to mention, i think i need YOU even more.

::asickgameofmusicalchairs::

2010-06-14T15:34:00.001-05:00

people catch me off guard most of the time. i used to think i could figure people out pretty quickly - but i misjudge. a. lot.

isn't it surprising when someone unexpected ends up being there for you? pulling through for you?

and yet, such a terrible let-down when the 'sure thing' friend is marked absent....

just keep it under wraps...(for both our sakes)

2010-06-04T14:24:00.002-05:00

::red:here::

i struggle. i suppose i struggle along with the rest of humanity, yes? so let me ask you this: where is the balance?

people need people.
we need community.
we need each other.
i need you.

but what happens when that all gets knocked out of whack? when the cycle breaks and a link crumbles... i've had a few moments in my life when i consider chucking it all. just purging it all and deciding to go it alone from now on (that's saying a lot coming from an extrovert-communicator). but i always end up reaching that point when i have to decide if the pain of being alone in the world is worth the pain i'm saving from preventing betrayal...

not that i've been particularly 'betrayed' lately - but a few things have got me thinking, let's be honest.

why do most secrets never stay between two people?
why is it that people would rather lie than face a confrontation?
why is it easier to let your friends down than it is to let a stranger down?
why are you happier to see them than you ever were to see us?

it's enough to make a sane person forever bitter and cynical. i hate that i sometimes find myself on the edge of all this reasoning; constantly talking myself down from extremes. frustrations. overreactions.

so that's where my newfound 'vow of privacy' comes in to play. i refuse to give people up. i won't pretend to deny my intense need for people. but i will be more careful.

....maybe from now on, when that undeniably special moment comes across my life - i'll choose not to share it because i'll just get upset with myself for not explaining it right.... and upset with you for not quite getting it...

i'll just consider a few things before i speak: which might mean some of those special moments will actually remain special....

***************************************************

i never understood before
i never knew what love was for
my heart was broke, my head was sore
what a feeling

tied up in ancient history
i didn't believe in destiny
i look up, you're standing next to me
what a feeling

2010-06-04T11:42:00.001-05:00

"I suppose that, [since] most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside." Wm. Paul Young

thanks for the pick-me-up....

2010-05-24T09:11:00.003-05:00

::red:here::

as some of you may know, every sunday/monday - i read the Post Secret blog updates. this one specific "secret" posted this week was particularily comforting to the awkward, preteen, mid-growth spirt version of myself tucked deep in the depths of my past:

i'd like to think that i've grown out of that self-conscious stage of my life - it's still nice to hear though, don'tcha think?

rain.rain. ::don't go away::

2010-05-13T16:33:00.003-05:00

::redhere::

this rainy day just begged me to write.
********************
all i wanted.
was to be sitting in my breakfast nook.
next to the fireplace.
listening to the rain.
with my morning coffee.

but what i got.
was flourescent lighting.
with impending deadlines.
staring at a thirsty plant.
holding my morning coffee.
********************

i get a little nostalgic when things are about to change. it's strange, i can sense change in other people's lives and i'll still get that same swirl in my stomach that i inevitably get when something's about to change in MY life. (is it weird to take on other people's emotions like that?)

sometimes i think i have a little inner child who sits kicking and screaming when change is about to happen. but maybe that's okay to have that? i mean, it keeps me from acting that way on the outside, eh?

::let's pretend::
i'm proud of your graduation.
i can't wait to hear about your new position.
the new place will be great.
it just means we're more legit adults now.
it'll be like you never left.

::reality::
you're growing up? (still proud though...)
what if your position takes you elsewhere? (still wanna hear about it....)
i don't want to leave the blvd? (do i?)
who needs legit adults anyways? (can we just go swing now?)
...........
........
....but....
..wait....
...
..
.
please don't go. (of THAT i am sure.)

::decisions, decisions - and a few minor details i suppose::

2010-04-06T14:49:00.000-05:00

::red:here::

been contemplating the idea of KNOWING lately.

how is it, that some people just...KNOW. anything. whatever. you get what i mean?

i suppose everyone has a different decision-making process. and i'm sure that process shifts and changes over time, depending what type of decision it is (some things just don't matter as much as other things). for example, my sister and brother-in-law tend to be very methodical decision makers. they're the types that can look at a situation and diagram every possible outcome and choose the path that offers the least amount of risk per benefit ratio. it's a quality to be admired if you ask me. and yet, there are those in my life who seem to make decisions based off an instinct or a whim. apparently this theory works out quite well for some - and not so well for others.

and yet - i still don't quite understand. i find myself sometimes being overly judgmental of other's emotional decison-making processes. part of me wishes that wasn't the case. i, myself, am someone who used to struggle with making decisions that were far too emotionally based - and i won't lie...it got me in trouble, not to mention hurt and disappointed. but recently, i've found myself being my own voice of reason when it comes to decisions. too many times i've seen friends set their mind on a decision based off the mere fact that they "just KNOW." oh really? (call me cynical, but has anyone else noticed that on several occasions, these KNOWING scenarios turn out slightly different then how they thought....or should i say knew??)

call me crazy, but has it occured to anyone else that some of these big decisions actually deserve the time. and thought. and analzying. that makes so many of us nuts? i mean, all that tasking and toiling over a major decision may still result in a wrong decision - but at least you can say you gave it your all. maybe that's me not trusting, or not having faith - but there has got to be a balance.

i'm all for Divine Intervention. a feeling of KNOWING. a faith so strong and a mindset so set that logic goes out the window without reservation because you KNOW - in your heart of hearts - that you're making the right decision.

::but aren't those moments a little more rare? a little more special than we give them credit for?::

but like i said - it's all just me i suppose. i won't be able to convince anyone to spend a little more time on a decision and they probably won't be able to convince me to spend any less time on a decision. so we're at a stand-still. to be intentionally cliche: we all just have to live and learn. i doubt that ANYONE will be able to find the perfect balance between logic and emotion. no one makes the perfect decision, in any sense of the word.

in other news: i start my new marketing position next week! (let's hope that ends up being the perfect decision....ha) but regardless, i'm excited for the new opportunity. also, i've been making some headway on my spring rejuvination: making progress on that quilt for teddy, decided to go vegetarian for a month to reduce my carbon footprint, had the perfect beach day with "heels," "locks," and our loving pup Tut, and just found out that teddy got me the best birthday present: an 8-week pottery class! what could be better, eh?

::thoughts on.....well, maybe just thoughts::

2010-03-25T13:42:00.002-05:00

redhere

spring is in the air, yes? well, maybe somedays it's in the air and other days the air chooses to be fickle. but noneless, the calendar says "spring has begun".

it's interesting to me the different connotations we all associate with the seasons. i know that "lashes" isn't too fond of the smell of spring because it reminds her of "old navy denim shorts and chinos" from school wardrobe shopping (i'll let her explain to you why that definition happens to be a negative one). my mom gets into full-on cleaning mode, and the neighbors bust out their bikes.

if you've followed me for a while, you might remember a past autumn post that i did about how the fall weather makes me crave a new life, something different in a new location.

::well, i've found that spring makes me want to refresh the life i already lead::

i start getting strangely motivated and begin taking on new projects. it's where most of my "life to-do lists" come from. already i've started making a quilt for teddy (every square already cut out!), attempted to re-arrange my bedroom (to much avail, which ended in me realizing that the current set-up is the only one that FITS in my room), begun thoughts on going as organic as possible in my diet and taking supplements to boost my immune system (we'll see how far i get with that one), and looked up some fun classes i might want to take (dance, pottery, yoga...). it's as though hibernation time is over and i'm trying to make up for lost time.

not to mention a few other big changes headed my way: transitioning to a new marketing position at work that i couldn't be more thrilled about, living with my sister for a few months while she's in this fine city to complete some continuing education, and searching for a new apartment as our lease is up in a few short months.

it's so strange how i tend to resist change at every other time in my life, but some sort of synergy builds up in the spring and i go hog wild with projects, planning, and list-making. who knew.

nonetheless, i welcome this rejuvination. it's been a rough few weeks....(well more like a rough 2009 - present). i've felt stuck on a slippery slope of negativity, but just maybe this spring business is just that stop off the highway i've been looking for.

::big lights will inspire you::

2010-03-15T16:06:00.000-05:00

::red:here::

nyc was fabulous (in case you were worried). here are a few highlights:

who's to say?

2010-03-08T14:50:00.000-06:00

::red:here::

it's been a while - i know. which might mislead you to believe that not a whole lot has happened - when in fact, it's the exact opposite. too many things have happened, that it's become impossible for me to properly articulate in the form of a post; which is hard for someone with a communications degree to admit to herself..... my positive nature (or attempt at a positive nature) has avoided any sort of post at all cost for fear of becoming the worst version of myself.

(if you don't have anything good to say don't say it all - has truly prevented me from speaking...in the literal sense).

how could someone, who literally has a commentary on everything, not know how to develop the past month or so into words?

::in a nutshell: i'm struggling::

i suppose the reason this struggle seems worse than all the previous, is because i can't articulate it to others. it's all of these running thoughts in my head all at one time that just want to come bursting out when someone says, "hey! how are ya?!"

(fine).

::you have no idea how i am::

(yikes, big turn into negative town - SCREEECHing halt)

can i just ask for your prayers and leave it at that?

on a more positive note: there is potential for great things ahead: jet-setting with some favorites to a fabulous city this weekend which is sure to get my mind off all the jibber-jabber in my head i can't seem to shake. not to mention the possibility/hope of something new at work. that's all i'll say for now for fear of getting ahead of myself and being forced to back-track through posts wishing i hadn't said anything at all.

my hopes for the rest of march:
some answers.
some optimism.
some serenity.
some prayer.
some quality time.

some words to describe....

(not necessarily in that order)....

well....dangit.

2010-02-08T18:29:00.002-06:00

::red:here::

most recent lessons learned (let's all learn from them together, shall we?)

DO NOT assume that the "low tire" light on dashboard is on just for kicks.
DO NOT refer to the jacket "locks" let me borrow as a petticoat. (even endearingly)
DO NOT refer to "locks" leg warmers as "1492 stockings"(....ahem...zadge...)
DO NOT laugh too loudly at work. people WILL notice and refer to you as "giggle pants" - even in said professional environment.
DO NOT try to change your signature phrase from "no no" to "yes yes" - best friends will be upset and scrunch their noses at you....(...aka: "locks")
DO NOT be surprised to see an unwrapped frozen pizza with one pepperoni on it just sitting in a male's apartment freezer. and DO NOT ask questions.

DO remember to bring plenty of bedding when group-sleeping over at a male's apartment. they DO NOT and WILL NOT have enough bedding for all.
DO remember that not everyone has the same great taste in music as you do, and thus realize that others will lash out when you play that FABULOUS song on repeat, just one too many times.
DO set aside 100% of tax return for numerous weddings this summer/fall.

NEVER FORGET that my best friends are more satisfying and more likely to complete me than any life lesson learned....

::tick:tock:: (not to be confused with kesha lyrics)

2010-02-03T13:46:00.000-06:00

::red:here::

been thinking a lot about time lately. (or maybe i should say TIMING?) why is it that things happen the way they do (let the chips fall where they may...??)

:all of these TIME thoughts may/may not be coming from the recent three hours of LOST i just watched:

:i'm just warning you:

i suppose some people like to to think of everything being predestined - that things happen for a reason and it's all very intricate. and on the other hand, i suppose some people just view everything as chaos; things just happen and there's no rhyme or reason to it. but i'm not so sure. there have been some DISTINCT times in my life when things happened in a very particular sequence and i could just ::FEEL:: that it was right. but there have been some points when all i'm thinking is, "really?...now what was the point of THAT?"

:i guess it's safe to say that i fall somewhere in the middle of those two theories:

i used to get in arguments with a great friend of mine about this very matter. i used to say that relationships are 90% timing and 10% the person(s). i know it sounds extreme (which is exactly why we argued about it)...but i can look back on several situations that have gone awry, simply because of bad timing. i'll go so far as to say that one could meet the most perfectly compatible person for them, and completely miss it if they're not open to it (or open to a relationship). that it doesn't matter how wonderful you are if someone isn't ready to see you, they simply won't. and on the other hand, someone can convince themselves that they're SO READY for a relationship, that they force something completely wrong for them to work for a short while.

:it all seems like such a delicate balance, wouldn't ya say?:

and maybe i am being a bit extreme. but i can't help but wonder sometimes, how things would have turned out differently if the timing was different.

for example: what if good friend #1 had waited to get married rather than choosing to get married right out of college? would that have changed anything? would they still be together? would they have found someone even MORE compatible? or would they have still gravitated towards each other?

what if good friend #2 had been the third girl he dated, instead of the second. would she be the one he chose? or would he have never gotten to a third girlfriend if he met the second one first?

think about who you dated in high school. if you met them now, would your opinion of them be different? maybe you wouldn't have even thought twice about them, or maybe you would have happily dated them again?

so what's with this whole timing thing anways? is it really just a matter of patience? trying not to control the situation and letting things happen? is there even a pattern to it all?

:i've quite possibly filled my questions per post quota about 3 paragraphs ago...::

i suppose i've seen enough episodes of back to the future, lost, and the butterfly effect to learn that you can't change the past; or that maybe you don't want to change the past; or shouldn't change the past. things will happen the way they do.

but i will say this: a few years after my argument with that good friend about relationships and timing, he came up to me and said, "you know what 'red'...you may have been on to something with that whole relationship "timing" thing... i'm starting to think timing has a whole lot more to do with it than i once thought....."

::locks::

2010-01-26T16:37:00.002-06:00

::redhere::

for those of you who know me, you know that i have a wall in my room covered with photos i've taken of those closest to me. i LOVE this wall. i LOVE taking photos of my favorite people. here's a few selects from a recent shoot i did with my girl "locks".

i'm choosing one for 'the wall' soon...

::feedbackisappreciated::

btw: i promise to write a proper post soon....

planned on doing a top 10 - but that quickly turned into a top 20....

2009-12-22T15:03:00.000-06:00

::red:here::

coming to the close of 2009, i've been thinking about the events of the year. i feel like so many events happened in the past 12 months, that i felt it appropriate to document them. so i thought i'd share a few of my absolute FAVORITE moments of this year. then BRING ON 2010!

i've never had more fun moving, then i did when we moved to our new place and all of our bestest-es came up to help:

celebrating my 23rd birthday in the chi:

hitting up brookfield with teddy:

enjoying SEVERAL summer cook-outs with my girl, "lashes":

cubs game with "lashes," bry, and teddy - no amount of rain could have stopped us:

india arie/john legend concert at the ravinia:

unexpected parties at "howl at the moon":

hour-long lines at "lashes" american idol tryout:

family cook-outs:

celebrating my sister's b-day in the chi:

"heels" b-day; pizza, musicals, and friends:

meeting great girls in the city:

random day-long photo shoots with "heels":

apple orchard fun with co-workers:

dave and busters with the sis:

company tailgating:

impromptu parties and friends:

twins games in MN:

meeting up with family in MN:

celebrating christmas 2009

sister maria said it best: these are a few of my faaavorrittte things....

2009-12-21T13:09:00.002-06:00

::red:here::

i don't think any member of my family would argue with me if i said that i'm the most gung-ho holiday-ie family member in the bunch. i realize that it can be a frustrating thing - all that organizing, shopping, sorting through finances, working - but it all seems worth it to me...hot chocolate, fireplaces, twinkle lights...

so here are a few of MY favorite holiday moments thus far:

::my first REAL christmas tree::

::my first REAL fireplace with stockings::

::sporting some sweet 'headgear'::

::enjoying quaint neighborhood lights::

there are sure to be loads more holiday moments (especially since i'll soon be visiting my sister and brother for christmas and celebrating news years with my bestest-es)....but i'm basking in this present joy indefinitely...

"10 - 9 - 8 - 7 -....."

2009-11-12T14:17:00.008-06:00

::red:here::

(i had a weird moment a few nights ago. i tried to explain it to my friends, but i'm not sure it came across the right way - maybe i'll give this a go....)

it was a simple moment really - just sitting at b-dubs with 'lashes', 'heels', and hmm....let's call her, 'locks', yes?

i almost didn't go with them actually. i don't frequent the late-er night rendevoix(s) as much as i used to. i know, i know, i'm an oldie... (but a goodie, right??) but seriously, my will power absolutely crumbled and failed me when those three looked me in the eyes and said, "c'mon, 'red' - it's US!"

(you would have caved to if you had friends like these)...

so like i said, nothing particularily special was happening, but i think those have become my favorites. when you crack up over stupid things - make fun of yourself for leaving the house looking like 'that' - individual meals turn into a buffet for the group (arms interlocking to be sure to get a bite of everything) ...

it was THAT kind of moment.... when you sit back and realize how content you really are. that THESE are the moments to live for. i mean seriously, how many times do we hype up a special event up so big - that we end up leaving disappointed?

like new years.

i don't think i've had a good new years since i was 7 and my parents let me stay up until midnight...

is it just my group of friends or does everyone do that? we talk for MONTHS about how THIS new years will be the best - and we'll go here - and invite these people - and it'll be THE BEST!! (right??)

but then people end up not making it - you realize your money is better spent on work clothes than that fancy cocktail dress in the store window that you'll never be able to wear again because it's forever labeled as 'the new years dress' - you look forward to kissing that ONE guy at midnight like you agreed on, but loose track of time chatting with an aquaintance and can't find him in the crowd when it's actually time.

talk about starting the year off on the wrong foot...

maybe i'll just start referring to it as 'the new years curse' - the 'not-what-it's-cracked-up-to-be curse'....

AND YET - the exact opposite seems to happen in the most simple moments. when i think back about my favorite moments - most of them started in times of no particular importance. like family dinners/game nights, sitting around together just chatting. like camping out on my friend's farm, which included some of the best laughs i've had in a long time. like road-tripping with my sister, analyzing life. like cracking up with 'teddy' while watching videos on youtube of laughing babies. like sitting on the beach, not talking, listening to bob marley (..."every little thing.....gonna be alllriiiggghhhttt"...)

i know you know what i'm talking about.

so i've decided, that i'm gonna start living for THOSE moments.

i mean, sure, of course i'm still gonna think that THIS new years will be the best one EVER (a gal can't stop hoping, right?)

and you can just call me: 'ms. jones' - eastcoast wannabe writer...

2009-11-04T09:26:00.011-06:00

{redhere}

every year, around this time - i get the urge to move. maybe it's that i live in a place that has cold weather for 6 months out of the year, or maybe it's just watching the seasons change that makes me antsy and ready for something new. whatever it is, i get it every year. this time, it came in the form of looking through an album of photos from a friend who lives on the east coast. {i've ALWAYS wanted to live on the east coast}. and suddenly, i pictured my perfect life in massachusetts/new hampshire/maryland and vacationing in the hamptons. i know, i know...it's a long shot, but a gal can dream, yes?

i'm the kind of girl who's always had big dreams - but i rarely vocalize them. sure i fill people in on the type of promotion i'd love to get, my desire to go to grad school in the fall, and my dream vacation with my sister in greece... but there are a few things that i hold on to that i can't seem to tell people about (possible fear of failure? fear of saying the actual words because that makes it real? .... i dunno). here, i'll fill you in on an example:

i've always wanted to be a writer (big surprise....hence the blog). i've even gotten a lot of encouragement about this too. i started off as a journalism major, but switched to corporate communications because the newspaper life is just not for me (i.e. the fast-paced, 'straight to the facts' environment). i was too terrified to attempt to make a life via free-lance writing too - so i switched to something more broad and marketable. but i guess my writing 'itch' never really faded. i've gone so far as to prepare writing samples to submit for various contests or one-time jobs, but i've never actually gotten up the courage to send it in.

(is that weird? slightly pathetic?)

i think that deep-down, i'm afraid of the critiques. what i tend to write about is fairly personal, and who's to say that someone won't completely tear it to shreds? (that's my life they would be cutting apart). i could probably write about meaningless topics - but i'm not sure that would bring me much joy. i love studying people - seeing the world in different lights - analyzing situations.... maybe this blog (and nowhere else) is just the place for that.

someday i'll write a book. don't count on it being a major publication - but i'm sure it would mean something to the people in my life. the people who would pop up in that book.

makes me wonder what other dreams people have out there. do people who live on the east coast look at my pictures and wish THEY were HERE? should we pull switch-a-roo like in "the holiday" and trade places for a bit? find the charming life we've always wanted? maybe i should develop a pen-name, so when i submit something and the best parts get edited out, it'll be "josie thompson's" life, or "darryl edward's" life that just got changed, and not mine? i wonder if that guy in data processing who seems the type to go home, fix himself a t.v. dinner, and get ready for bed - really lies awake, longing to be a go-go dancer in vegas (but of course, would never admit that to ANYONE).

sounds like the makings of a new MGM classic flick. but think about it: that last movie you saw had to be based SOMEWHAT off of someone's life, yes? maybe something they saw? sure it gets stretched and developed...but it's still SOMEONE, right?

....

.......

(gosh, i never really know how to wrap these things up.....)

IN CONCLUSION.....

(no...that's not it...)

TO SUM UP....

(no, no....)

okay, i give. you see? being a writer is hard....

"dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane, every night of the week" -- william dement, NEWSWEEK, nov. 30, 1959

urban autumn

2009-10-28T16:02:00.007-05:00

::red:here::

one of my favorite days since moving to this lovely
city was when my roommate, 'heels' and i frolicked
about for an un-predetermined amount of time
and snapped some photos whenever we felt inspired.
here are some of my favorites:

all this talk of doughnuts makes me want coffee

2009-10-21T11:43:00.000-05:00

(red here)

i have heard and read from several different sources the story that john f. kennedy made a major german language blunder in his famous, 'ich bin ein berliner' speech in berlin, germany. the story goes that he should have said, 'ich bin berliner' ('i am a citizen of berlin'), but what he REALLY said was, 'ich bin ein berliner', which means, 'i am a jelly doughnut'.

how embarassing.

yet how telling...

i can honestly say that i've felt like that. no, not a jelly doughnut. but rather - that i'm making a real effort to project myself one way, and end up failing miserably. a "jelly doughnut moment"...if you will.

for example, this weekend, i won tickets to the celebrity chef taste-testing chartify event downtown for meals on wheels. being quite the fancy event, me and my guest (aka: my favorite/only sister) dressed up to the nines in sleek, black cocktail dresses. i remember walking into the event thinking, 'yup...we're cool. we're going to a fancy charity event,' as my sister leaned over and said, 'i feel like a poser...we don't belong....BE COOL so no one can tell...' [classic].

needless to say, we were doing great the whole night - tiptoeing around to try new things and loving it. giggling at the live band that played lady gaga?? lovely. but as much as we tried to keep it from happening, our 'jelly doughnut moment' refused to stay out of the limelight. it came in the form of my sister sampling a 'unique' appetizer with cooked duck on top. try new things, right? wrong. very wrong. our 'jelly doughnut' reality surfaced as my sister threw up the duck appetizer into a nearby garbage while i instinctively did a silly dance next to her in my attempts to draw the attention away from her (really, red? that's your reaction?). and to make matters worse, right after we re-gained our composure, my classy sis managed to spill a sampling of crab bisque on the floor - splattering two nearby attendees (they were NONE too thrilled about that one).

oh jelly doughnut. you always sneak in there.

i'm always secretly amused by other people's jelly doughnut blunders. like when my best friend in highschool tripped up the stairs, causing her pants to fall down and expose her spongebob squarepants undies to the entire senior class. or when 'lashes' had a laughing attack downtown in our hometown and peed her pants - only to run into her highschool crush coming around the corner. in her defense, she tried to cover up by blurting out that she spilled her hot chocolate on her lap? but then again, her cup was still obviously completely full. oh well. such is life.

'lashes': 0, 'jelly doughnut': 1 - you win, you always do....

please don't think me cruel for saying i take joy in the mishaps of my loved ones. i promise i laugh just as hard when jelly hits ME in the face. (just 10 minutes ago, i dropped a peanut butter m&m down my shirt at work. i had to conduct a scavanger hunt in my bra to fish it out - completely forgetting where i was). i suppose the laughter keeps us 'normal' people sane.

but then there are 'jelly doughnut' moments that aren't so funny. when a part of ourselves gets exposed that we NEVER wanted the world to see. something hurtful. something honest. makes jfk calling himself a jelly doughnut to all of germany not so bad, huh?

just this week, my tears escaped here at work. (definitely not the soft center i wanted to show in that environment). i had recently gotten some bad news about my grandma's health. we all felt at peace about it - but for some reason, it all came crashing down on me while i was at work with a little time on my hands. it felt like the end of an era to me. pretty soon i would have 1 grandparent left (and i started with 5....i even had a BONUS grandparent!) i started tearing up because all i wanted to do was play clue on the floor with my sister and my grandma while she took breaks to flip the french toast. i wanted to be 10 again, in my pajamas at 8 a.m., listening to my grandpa tell a story about some interesting guy he met the other day. i wanted to look over and see my other grandpa sitting right in front of the television yelling out numbers for the 'price is right'.

tears.

exposed.

at work.

(god love the ladies sitting next to me who sympathized and talked to me about it).

but i suppose those vulnerable moments make us just as human as the funny 'jelly doughnut' ones. and given the right people around you, those 'jelly doughnut' days turn into hilarious laughing attacks in the future to share with others - and those 'sad expose' days can actually start healing and build a relationship with someone.

and besides, i figure if jelly doughnuts are good enough for JFK, then they MUST be good for something, right?

oh to be young...

2009-10-15T10:56:00.001-05:00

{red here}

okay. i had to share. i teared up at work over this:

they asked a group of young kids, 'what is love?', and here are their answers.

when my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. so my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. that's love. -- rebecca, age 8
when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. you just know that your name is safe in their mouth. -- billy, age 4
love is what makes you smile when you're tired. -- terri, age 4
love is when mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay. -- danny, age 7
love is when you kiss all the time. then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. my mommy and daddy are like that. they look gross when they kiss. -- emily, age 8
love is what's in the room with you at christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. --bobby, age 7
if you want to learn love better, you should start with a friend who you hate. --nikka, age 6
love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. --noelle, age 7
love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. -- tommy, age 6.
during my piano recital, i was on stage and i was scared. i looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. he was the only one doing that. i wasn't scared anymore. -- cindy, age 8.
love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken. --elaine, age 5
love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than robert redford. --chris, age 7.
love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him along all day. --mary ann, age 4.
i know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones. --lauren, age 4.
when you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. --karen, age 7.
love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross. --mark, age 6.
you really shouldn't say 'i love you' unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget. --jessica, age 8.
and the final one, author and lecturer leo buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. the purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. the winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. when his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'nothing. i just helped him cry.'

what's a girl to do?

2009-10-13T13:50:00.000-05:00

(red:here) - obviously (i:suppose).

with another question (clearly).

why is it so much easier to GIVE sound advice - than it is to TAKE sound advice?

i was chatting with a dear friend last night....hmm, let's see, we'll call her - - - "heels"
(keeping with the theme of the people in my life - "red", "lashes", "heels" - cheeky, right??)

chatting away, we were, and we got to talking about 'complications.' as we discussed recent events that have graciously taken up a large amount of emotional space, i started realizing how easy it is to critique someone else's life. i can look at 'soon-to-be med student' - who is struggling with decisions, and see clearly what he's supposed to do - the right direction to go. i can look at 'continuing education grad student' - who is stressed over an exam, and have complete faith in her ability to go far in the field. i can look at 'inappropriate co-worker' - who doesn't care about the job anymore, and know that if they don't pull a 180 degree soon, they will single-handedly tip the 9.8 % unemployment rate in the city to 10%.

so what's with the cloud around our own heads?

why are we left out of the loop in our own lives?

how is it - that the entire continental US can look at my life and figure it all out at a moment's notice - but i am completely and utterly baffled when things don't turn out the way i pictured it?

(for some reason, i think i'm not the only one this keeps happening to).

. . . .

i secretly think that deep down, we all have a 'best and worst' case scenario of our lives. 'heels' and i played this game last night:

"best case scenario: i get promoted at my job within a year - start my own company by the time i'm thirty - happily travel my life away."
"worst case scenario: this job is just another dead end - i never actually get around to starting my own company - at age thirty-five, i'm still trying to decide what i want to be when i 'grow up'."

we all do it.
whether consciously or not.
some give up on the best case scenario too soon.
some don't even give the best case scenario a shot.
some never let go of the best case scenario, even when a new best case scenario comes along.
some allow the best case scenario to trample all over their hearts and still never stop chasing it.
but i suppose it's a longing for the best case and fear of the worst case that keeps us going, eh?

so here is where i struggle: where do we, as outsiders, draw the line? do we choose to be a friend who points out to another when the best case scenario is a little too lofty? or are we the encouraging friend who sticks around, through and through, and never says anything when our friend's course of action needs an obvious tune-up? do we point out how clearly we can see what's about to happen? or do we let them clear the foggy clouds themselves?

i wonder what kind of friend i would want - and i realize - i am a complete hypocrite in this area. i want the friend who will support, encourage, and let me figure it out - maybe with a few subtle hints - but ultimately let's me make my decision. but i think i have a tendency to be the 'reality' friend - not necessarily too harsh and brutal - but one who says, 'hey...are you really sure? have you really thought that one through?' - in hopes of opening their eyes a teensy bit.

(maybe i need to stop that?)

so what's a girl to do? my communications degree serves me well when analyzing outside situations - but i'll be the first to admit that i allow my mind to get clogged with false hopes and lofty dreams - and i own a hand that holds on just a little too long, a little too tight to things/people that need to be let go.

i suppose this is an endless topic. i can hear my communication professors loud and clear, saying "each situation is different - each person is different - we trust our own instincts for what is necessary and that's all you can do"

i guess they'd be right. but i can't help but wonder....

any thoughts?

[status quo]

2009-09-25T09:41:00.000-05:00

[red here]

people influence me.

a lot.

are you like me in that? or are you that coveted 'free spirit' that seems to not care. or are you a really like me on the inside, but pretend to be a 'free spirit'? that's the real question i suppose.

it's hard to admit how much people can effect you. i care so much about certain people, that i can be carrying on in a perfectly optimistic day - have one chat with a friend who had an awful day and was 'done wrong', and i'm off into negativity land. all fired up against the mistreatment of my loved one. i can be all excited about a lunch with a long-time friend - and be bummed the rest of the afternoon when it gets cancelled. but i can also be having an awful morning when i wake up late, get stuck in traffic, forget my lunch in the fridge - then find out that a family member got a promotion and be so ecstatic for them that it turns my day around.

some of you might be able to relate to this, but i am more likely to get worked up and defend someone i love against 'the enemy' than i am to defend myself to anyone. someone could do the exact same thing to me as they do to one of my roommates, and i would be like, "hey! where do you get off treating HER like that???" it's like i think they're more fragile that i am or something - like i can take it...

you could say this is just being passionate about the people in my life. or you could say that i need to get a life of my own.

it's great to be an advocate. a defender. a protector. but where's the line between living your life to make other people happy, and living your life to make you happy? to make god happy? we're supposed to live by the golden rule - treat others as we would like to be treated. but what happens if you treat others BETTER than you treat yourself? allow yourself to be a doormat to other people's needs? i'm not necessarily THAT extreme about it, but i guarantee we could all think of someone we know who fits that mold.

[i think may have filled up my quota for questions per post - especially considering i have no set of answer to offer up]

in keeping with this theme - i think we all need to find out what makes us tick. maybe part of that IS family and friends, but what else is it?

in the past month, i've discovered some things about myself, in my attempt to not be such a people pleaser:

i like going to bed early. i hate the feeling of being too groggy in the morning and i NEED at least 7 hours of sleep.
i'm allowed to say 'no' to an event that i don't actually want to go to.
i hate running. ask me to play tennis? basketball? football? soccer? bikeride? walk? i'm there. don't ask me to go for a run.
cooking relaxes me. i like to prepare a good meal and finding a new recipe makes me giddy.
i don't like soda. the fizz chokes my throat a little and i always feel sick afterwards. i will not feel pressured to drink a soda just because it's offered with a meal.
i love feta cheese. i will cook it in just about anything and be satisfied.
i can stay home on a friday night and not feel like a 'loser' because that's when you're SUPPOSED to go out. i'm allowed to be tired from the week, come home, pop in a movie, and call it a night.

take from that what you will. these are some minor things, and some major realizations on my part. just realizing that i don't have to do something just because someone asks me to, is HUGE.

i guess it's all about finding that happy medium. we need people. we're made that way. we function in a social world.

but there is something to be said for sympathizing with someone, but not becoming them.
crying with them, but not killing yourself with it.
defending them, but not letting it ruin your day.

i say:
celebrate in your own joys.
get happy about your own victories.
cry when you need to.
go out in a group when you want.
stay in and read a book when you want.
make lots of friends and aquaintences, but only die for a few.

{the many faces}

2009-09-10T20:02:00.000-05:00

[[redhere]]

being that i officially have an opposite working schedule from EVERYONE i care about in my life and/or live across the country from them - let's just say, i've had a lot of time to ponder... call me crazy, but i think TOO much time spent absorbed in one's head isn't necessarily a good thing (especially since i have a tendency to over-think most things in life). but on occasion, something will strike me and i find myself incapable of shaking it.

let me explain.

my good friend, 'lashes' and i used to regularly give ourselves laughing attacks simply by people watching. sometimes, when we're all caught up on the happenings of our lives, we'd find ourselves lingering over coffee, gazing out the salon window, or simply waiting at a stop light. we'd see someone chatting away frantically on their mobile, and start to wonder what they were talking about. similar dialogue would inevitably follow:

'lashes': oh jeeze - i bet her nail broke and she's freaking out or something stupid like that.

'red': OOOH, OR - she's headed out on a blind date and she's getting the pre-date pep talk from her best friend.

'lashes': haha, and i bet she'll show up to that blind date and he'll be a FREAK and maybe, just maybe, we'll see her again on OUR way home and she'll be debriefing that SAME friend about how much that guy was a freak.

'red' and 'lashes' simultaneously: yup. that's definitely it. blind date. mmm hmmm.

[endscene]

and we carry on our daily business. no big deal.

but then again - sometimes, something a bit...umm....more (?) will happen.

it's always when i'm by myself. i'll accidentally make direct eye contact with someone - and i'll notice something behind those eyes. no no, i'm not attempting to introduce a romance novel, i promise. it's like i catch a glimpse of what's going on their life. something a bit more authentic than the scenarios 'lashes' and i tend to make.

[for example]:

about a year ago, i was running late for a job interview. attempting to not spill coffee on myself while i navigated my directions, i found myself frustrated at what seemed like the world's longest stoplight. subconsciously cursing every car around me - i realized that i should be ashamed of myself. the light was red for so long because there was a funeral procession headed on the crossroad. i looked over and made direct eye contact with a girl riding in the car directly behind the hearse. it was surreal. she wasn't openly sobbing - but i still felt the agony. just that two-second meeting of our eyes had me moved to tears. i started wondering who had passed away. what relationship did the girl have to the deceased? was it unexpected? and so on. i couldn't stop thinking about it all day. i would literally start choking up if i thought about it too long.

[example number two]:

i was driving home from work this afternoon. once again, upset that i was stuck in traffic (are we noticing a theme here?). i looked over and noticed that there were three vans in the lane next to me - all labeled as being transport vehicles for the county jail. and that's when it happened again. i made accidental direct eye contact with one of the "transportees" in an orange jumpsuit. slightly taken back by the "contents" of the vans, i focused for a second and the guy smiled a surprisingly sincere smile at me. slightly sad. not scary like one would think. just a simple 'how's it goin' smile. interesting. and since then, i've been wondering what he did. where they were taking him. would he ever get out? was he wrongly accused? or should i thoroughly hate him for whatever he did... it's got me puzzled.

they say that a person's eyes are a window to their soul - and i'm inclined to believe it. have you ever passed someone whom you never actually spoke to, but have never been able to forget? not just the cute waiter or the cheery shop clerk. someone real.

it seems a shame to me that we all walk around so oblivious. we're all in this life together and it seems that we should be more curious about what happens to people. the person you brush hands with when reaching for the same carton of milk at the grocery store. the guy on the corner with his ipod in, waiting for the bus. the old woman walking her dog on your block every afternoon.

maybe we should start praying blessings upon the people we stride past life together with. wish them the best in our minds.... i suppose in a perfect world, i, too, would secretly wish that someone could see my agony, my joy, my worry, my belief - and stop and think for a second... it's the simplest of connections.

“Those true eyes, too pure and too honest in aught to disguise, the sweet soul shining through them"

{a oui bit of red nail polish.... and a new attitude}

2009-08-28T09:02:00.001-05:00

[[redhere]]

tried a few different nail colors this week...jury's still out on what i'd like to make my signature color (giggles)...

been an interesting few months - i dare say. i feel like i'm constantly starting a sentence in my head, and then i get interrupted (by myself, who else?)...and forget what i was saying:

oh i can't forget to....
oh i should call....
that makes me soooo....

[wait, what??]

if i'm honest, i'm not sure i have any "new life lesson" to share. people have been disappointing me lately...and it got me a bit down. it always amazes me how two people can be the same age, but seem to mature at VASTLY different rates. (sometimes i feel like a 40 year old in a 23 year olds body...)

it's felt a little like 9th grade all over again: the 'smile to your face/stab you in the back' girl from high school - has reincarnated to the shifty co-worker i secretly want to punch. the judgemental friend from youth group who looked down his nose at any move you made - has flipped to become long-time friend who's quick to throw the first stone. the crazy teacher who wouldn't actually answer the question you had about homework - has transformed into the flighty, scatter-brained landlord who won't change the broken lock.

it's the same cycle i presume - just a different person. there will always be THAT manager, THAT friend, THAT guy.

even those closest to me seem to be dealing with the same issues: recently promoted friend can't seem to get respect from previous 'same level' employees who now work under her. frustrated new graduate friend stuck in job and can't seem to catch a break, much less a call-back. former student working to continue more education, upset at lack of encouragement from co-workers and no flexibility for class schedule.

but maybe, just maybe...there's a way to overcome all that. leave a comment if you've figured it out - cuz i fear that i may be one step away from becoming bitter against everyone, unjustly, before i even meet them. (now i know how stereotypes begin, i suppose).

"that's life" - you say.
-but why does it have to be that way
"you gotta start at the bottom and prove yourself" - you say.
-but what if people make it impossible to prove yourself
"respect isn't given, it's earned" - you say.
- but some will never respect you

yikes, i just took a major step to negative town.

but i will say this: it's surprisingly empowering to not care sometimes. to let that cutting remark just slide off your shoulders. to look that girl in the eye with a stare that says "yes. i did just see you roll your eyes at me - i DARE you to do it again." to smile at the jealous co-worker when your manager congratulates you on a job well done. to walk away from the gossip-y conversation, knowing that you're better than that.

passive aggressive? possibly.
sometimes necessary? definitely.

and besides; i just painted my nails red - which tends have an sassy effect on a girl.... (giggles)

[definition]

2009-07-21T10:17:00.000-05:00

[[redhere]]

i think i've had one too many drafts for this post already. i keep starting.
stopping.
starting.
stopping.

you know the drill. i find that when it's been too long since i've posted, i become overloaded and i don't know where to start. i don't necessarily want my posts to be a schedule of my life -

"so i did this."

"then this happened."

"OH! and THEN!!....."

- so i end up deleting and begining again, BEGGING to come up with some sort of...well..."theme" if you will, that will tie the craziness together. i find myself frustrated when my life doesn't point in one absolute direction like a romantic comedy. there's not enough foreshadowing in the script of my life to allow me to group all my happenings together with a nice bow. sometimes i find it hard to write about the present, when i don't know where it's leading... i wonder: is this important enough to discuss? which seems ridiculous to worry about.

so here it is. the only way i can fully [in my mind] paint the picture of my life right now is through simple words. not sentences. no paragraphs. no long, drawn out mind jumble that i attempt to string together. maybe you'll picture it right - maybe you won't. but this has been my life lately:

morning coffee with cream and sugar.
15 hour drives...
{damien rice lyrics}
lumber yard.
tool box?
+bittersweet hellos+
tearful goodbyes.
::candlelit gardens::
birthday celebrations!
.sleep...deprivation.
[[[vivid dreams]]]
86 church bells.
travel plans
comfysweatshirt
questions.
questioning?
hasty/scribbled/notes
sunflowers
new dress!
::pro::con::list::
{oversized=sun=glasses}
.age.
.time.
.thought.

...

maybe i'm crazy, but just maybe you caught the words between the lines.

uncomplicated? way too much to ask...

2009-05-29T12:46:00.000-05:00

{redhere}

hmm. usually when i start one of these posts, i have a very clear idea of where my thought process is headed. just this week, a few things happened and i thought to myself, "oh yeah...i should totally write something about that"...but the three or four times i sat myself in front of the computer screen with every intention of writing - i found myself flustered and not quite being able to communicate what's really been going on in my head. maybe i'm making this process a little more complicated than it needs to be...but my organized self likes to be coherent. i can't help it.

so i will say this: i've been experiencing a weird mix of awful anxiety and utter joy. ??? does that even make sense? let's see here...

for example, i found myself anxiety-ridden for the dumbest reason. i'm slightly ashamed to be admitting this to you all - but then again, when have you ever known me to hide anything? okay. i'll just say it:

i've been upset that my best guy friend and my boyfriend like each other so much.

????

{ew. that was hard to admit, but i might as well continue with the word vomit rather than hit the delete button a few times with an ashamed side grin.}

let me give you a little background before you judge my anxiety over something that SHOULD be a WONDERFUL thing:

every guy i have ever liked/dated has fallen for one of my closest girl friends at one point or another. i'm not even exaggerating. some situations were more hurtful than others - but nonetheless, effected me in ways i'm not sure i can even explain to you. i started not admitting to my friends who i was interested in so it wouldn't be so embarassing when they all found out that he was in love with my best friend (or whatever the case may be). it's a blessing and a curse to have such a large group of friends who are gorgeous, funny, intelligent, and easy to talk to... because of this complex, i found myself defeating my own relationships before they even began (hence my lack of dating for about a year and a half).

with that said... you maybe understand my number one insecurity a bit better, but it still doesn't explain why i would be so effected by my boyfriend and best guy friend getting along so well. you see: i think i'm secretly afraid that they'll end up liking each other more than they collectively like me. (ew. now i just sound like that jealous weird girl....but i hope you know me well enough to know that i'm completely serious right now). i joked around about it a lot with everyone and we all had a good laugh (because it really does sound ridiculous when you say it out loud). but it about stopped my heart dead in my chest when it hit me:

it wouldn't be the first time my boyfriend likes my friend more than he likes me.

ouch.

with that thought circling around my head and heart, i found myself doing the "girl" thing and picturing all sorts of awful scenarios that i won't even bother to type out {but i'm sure you can imagine}. i had just about convinced myself that my boyfriend would end up staying in a relationship he didn't want to be in, just so he could still hang out with my best guy friend without it being awkward.

but then i had to ask myself:

are you serious right now, red?? have i digressed back to the less-confident former version of myself in the course of a week?

SNAP OUT OF IT!

i then proceeded to force positive thinking upon myself and be a bit more logical about the whole thing. surprisingly, i think it worked.

when i really think about it, i LOVE that my friends get along with my boyfriend - it's a blessing that i would never trade. i promise. (there are much worse things in the world and my own insecurities CANNOT and WILL NOT get in the way of this great thing).

that being said: a few days ago, after i had made up in my own mind to purge the negativity out of my inner thoughts, i started noticing some positive things about myself that i had never really taken the time to recognize and/or appreciate:

i took an IQ test that said i have an IQ of 131....apparently that's in the "absolute intelligence" range. mind you, i doubt the accuracy of this test and would have to take a few more to truly get the average, thus a more reliable result - i'm going to choose to believe that i am, in fact, a genius :)
i took another test that told me that i am primarily "left-brained" - this comes with all sorts of analyzations that i will spare you of - but i'm choosing to see this as a great thing and embrace it :)
a very dear person to me recently made a decision/sacrifice based on my level of happiness and told me that i was, "worth it."
i decided that i'm having a fabulous hair-day today.

{just to name a few}

i truly hope that you don't judge me for any statement made in this post. i sometimes catch MYSELF off guard with how complicated i make things sometimes. therefore, the next goal of self-improvement will be to SIMPLIFY. i hope that you all (whoever you are) will choose to do the same.

let go of something that's holding you back - causing anxiety.

choose to think highly of yourself.

{it really CAN be just that simple}

:: ripe old age of.....23? ::

2009-05-13T11:48:00.000-05:00

[red here]

every year ::without fail:: on the morning of my birthday, my dad asks me the same question, "so, do you feel any differently now that you're a year older?? heh heh..."
and every year ::for the previous 22 years, that is:: my answer has been the same. "not at all dad. i maybe feel cooler, but i don't feel older."

this year is a different story.

not only did my dad NOT follow up with his end of the deal and forget to ask me the inevitable question - but this year would have meritted a different answer.

::with that said, i'd like to simplify this post for you and share my list of ways i've recently become aware of my own AGING::

on the day of my birthday, i cut myself shaving in the shower, and i swear to you, it didn't clot NEARLY as quickly as it once did. i seriously should have timed it. my skin healing abilities have diminished... i'm serious.
a few weeks ago, i fell asleep in the middle of an intense episode of "the biggest loser." i look forward to that show ALL WEEEK - and i zonked out. ??? (i had to watch the second half of it online the next day)
i'm addicted to coffee and can barely survive the mornings without my cup o' joe that is so graciously provided by my employer in the employee kitchen. i'm the weird person with coffee breath all the time now. does coffee breath not make you think of a 60 year old smoker? ew.
i can't sleep in passed 9:00 a.m. anymore. i used to be the champion of sleeping in until noon, followed by a 2:00 p.m. nap and a party that started at midnight. NOT. A. CHANCE. ANYMORE.
my favorite part of my most recent vacation post-birthday was the visit to the botanical gardens. ??? not the mall. not the cute boutiques downtown. not the live band across the street. the botanical gardens. hmm.
i get headaches from being at my computer all day at work and i've grown accustomed to the way i look in my spectacles. in college, i stayed up for hours looking at facebook albums and catching up on my emails without a headache in sight. i didn't even know what a headache was then. oh the harsh reality....
i clip coupons = i have officially become my father.
i get excited about reading the discarded newspapers that are left daily in the employee kitchen. i was the first to know updates on the gov. blago charges and when drew peterson got arrested... current events? i'm your girl.
one of my favorite projects last week was helping someone reformat their resume. enough said?

::and last but not least::

i had a meeting with my managers about insurance benefits and my 401k. i was giddy and eager to learn about my retirement plan. fact simplified? i never thought about retirement plans before. add another candle to my cake and i'm suddenly a financial sponge for any information i can get my hands on.

so there you have it. i'm not saying that this WHOLE list is awful... just different. older.

i'd love to hear your own aging realization list - i'd appreciate the companionship in my gradual maturity and maybe a few laughs...

[ticking][transitional][timebomb]

2009-04-29T09:23:00.000-05:00

[red here]

i heard the best sermon in church this week. (if i'm honest with you all, i don't really remember the last time i heard a message that i truly needed, and truly helped me - but that may be another story for another time).

it was about transitions (hence blog title).

and it got me thinking: some of the absolute worst times in my life were when i was in a time of transition. the pastor apparently agreed with my inner feelings on this topic and presented his own ideas of frustration that the times of our lives never manage to seemlessly flow from one stage to the next - there's always this awful struggle between the two states. it's this battle between what you once knew and what you're supposed to be learning anew (and it never seems to come easily). without fail, it's in these times of transition - that we are most apt to get off-track. we lose sight of the reason we started something in the first place (could it be that that's the reason transitions are so awful? do we extend our own "transitional period" by taking our own eyes off the prize? do we cause our own unhappiness?)

thinking on this, i started looking up things about the word "transition" and i found this definition to be QUITE interesting:

an event that results in a TRANSFORMATION; a change from one place or state or subject or stage to another.

transformation, eh? no wonder our stages of life never occur one right after the other without a break in between. no wonder it's so easy to stray from our path. why would we expect a TRANSFORMATION to come that easily?

in a few weeks, i'll be attending a college graduation that falls on my one year anniversary of graduating myself. i got in a fabulous conversation with a friend about how, in no way, do i envy these soon-to-be recent college grads. last year, when i took the walk across that platform, i wish someone would have warned me of the "punch to the gut" that life would throw my way this entire year post-grad. i have a feeling that while i watch these goofy-hatted-oversized-gown-wearing grads, i'll be shaking my head in pity for them, as they have no idea what's headed there way. pessimistic? maybe.... realistic? definitely.

it's got me wondering: since hind-sight is always better than foresight - what would i have done differently this past year? i can think of a few minor "bad decisions" that i could have lived without (don't ask. don't tell.) but when it comes down to it, i'm not sure that i would change a thing, because it caused an inevitable transition period (yuck) that is leading me continually in the direction of a transformation (the cherry on top).

one thing i DO NOT regret - is that i did SOMETHING. when i moved to the city, i had no idea if it was "where i was supposed to be" - "what i was supposed to be doing" - "who i was supposed to be with"... but you know what?

i tried.

i moved.

i took a step.

so i'll leave you with this quote(for whatever it's worth):

"we stand still and tell GOD - 'if you show me where to go, i'll take a step' - but GOD stands still and says to us - 'take a step and i'll show you where to go' "

so if nothing else,
keep moving.

[[perpetual price tag]]

2009-04-08T09:30:00.000-05:00

[[red here]]

does happiness have a price tag?

i expect most of you to immediately read this and say, "No, RED! haven't you heard....money can't buy happiness!!!" while i can agree with this statement, i have certainly been wondering lately if lack of money can cause unhappiness...

many of the people in my life have been facing the same types of financial issues... but wait, who am i kidding?? we ALL are facing some sort of financial issue right now. i find myself sympathizing with this year's soon-to-be college grads, as i'm sure they will face an even bigger employment struggle than we did last year. it's been about a year since i graduated and just now, i'm starting to get my head above water with this financial hoopla. anyone else feeling the same way???

i'm so thankful to have employment in times like these, but it's so frustrating to just about zero out my paychecks every month, with no extra to save. how many times have we read that the smartest thing anyone can do, is save as much as possible every month? any twenty year old who can contribute to a 401k will be extremely thankful they did when it comes to retirement time... this i know.

they say that 80% of all americans are 4 paychecks away from homelessness... what does that tell you about the ability of americans to save? this statistic proves how many people are literally living paycheck-to-paycheck (myself included). this is a scary thought, no? it's been enough to keep me awake at night, that's for sure.

so now i'll ask again, in all seriousness:
does happiness have a price tag?

i'm a big advocate of cheap entertainment. it really doesn't take a lot to have a good time as long as you start off with a good attitude (my first grade teacher would be so proud...) but there are some things that just plain cost money. i can't tell you how bad i've felt that just about all my friends and family have come to visit me in the city since i've lived here, but i haven't been able to take a roadtrip to visit even a quarter of the people i'd love to see. i've been scraping together what little i can for the past few months to be able to go on family trip in a few weeks - but it's been at the sacrifice of missing out on more than one entertainment-filled event. what bothers me the most about this, is that it comes across looking as though i don't care enough to visit friends and family - or that i don't want to go to "johnny's" birthday extravaganza - or that i forgot to attend "betty's" housewarming party...
you would think that the people closest to you would understand when you're in a financial bind - and most will say they understand - but many will later think that it was just an excuse for not wanting to put forth the effort...

i can sincerely say that it's not a lack of effort on my part that's keeping me from spending time with you all...

it's times like these, when i'm convinced that while money doesn't buy happiness, lack of money can certainly cause hurt feelings, sleepless nights, and inevitable unhappiness for a time.

so what's a girl to do?? i've spent so much time researching ways to make extra money.... and nothing has really struck a chord with me yet. (paid research focus groups, dog walking, selling items on ebay, selling any sort of homemade product or service...) i'm sure that many things could be successful, given the right person and the right amount of effort - but what am i supposed to do, knock on all the neighborhood doors and offer to walk their dogs for 10 bucks a pop? set up a yard sale to sell the things i don't actually have in the yard in front of my apartment that doesn't exist, in the 70 degree weather that has yet to appear?

obviously i've taken a drastic left turn into negative town...(haha) but seriously...is there something i'm missing here? what do you all do to make sure your bills are paid on time and still have money for essentials and moderate entertainment?

cuz i'm at a loss...

stuck in a rut? continue reading...

2009-03-04T14:12:00.000-06:00

::red:here::

little known fact about me: i have a list of things i want to do in a lifetime (bucket list??). i love to cross things off and add to it as the years go by. so, in honor of the joy this has brought me in my life, i have decided to share with you, a condensed list of a few of my favorite things that i've done over time....

10 "little things" i think everyone should take the time to do:

set aside an afternoon and walk around your city/town. take unique photos of scenes and objects you love. don't focus on tourist attractions and crowded areas - but rather, stick to the 'hole-in-the-walls,' nooks, crannies, and 'you'd have to live here to know about this' things.
try to re-create a recipe you see on the food network. if it's a disaster, you'll have a great story to tell. if it's fabulous, you'll have a favorite new dish to make for everyone.
plan a roadtrip around something stupid. my favorite? driving to kentucky just to get 'kentucky fried chicken'...
go skinny dipping. okay, this may not be considered a "little thing" to some of you, but you can do it by yourself for all i care. just do it to say you did. it's a free-ing experience. i promise.
call in sick when you're not actually sick. don't leave your home. don't get out of your pajamas. order in food. chill-out all day.
read a really good book all in one day. it's a weird accomplishment, but it's still kind of cool to say that you did it.
dress up like an ugly member of the opposite sex. (no worries, you can do it for halloween). it's a refreshing thing to not care what you look like and be able to laugh at yourself.
go for a bike ride that takes you miles from where you intended. you'll be amazed at what you find.
go camping in a big group of friends. it'll end up being a memory that i swear you'll never forget. trust me.

and last but not least...

make your own list of "little things" you want to do. it'll fill the boring days with nothing to do and make you appreciate the small experiences.

do unto others...oops??

2009-02-27T13:28:00.000-06:00

[red here]

there's always that person you watch in the crowd. the one with a permanent scowl on their face, just WAITING for someone to cross their path so they can 'go off' and 'snap'. it's the rude man in the coffee shop who continually taps his foot, obviously too impatient to wait in line for his specialty drink. it's the upper class woman who rolls her eyes in the direction of the couple who's laughing too loud in the bookstore. it's the 'single-by-choice' twenty-something who switches lines at the grocery store to avoid the crying baby. and how about the ever-present professional middle-aged man who's in too much of a hurry to help the woman who just tripped and dropped her bags.

the eternally crabby, "i have something lodged up my !(#*&@#" person we all know and love (aka love to hate).

you've sometimes got to stop and wonder what happened to that person in their lifetime that made them behave this way? it's easy to judge from afar, not knowing someone's background. but if you ask me, there's usually a reason for the madness, whether justified or not, you be the judge. but regardless, i must say something that is difficult for me to admit:

i think, for one day, i was that person...

okay, okay. i said it. it's a scary thing when you realize that you're being irrationally irritated. i can't even tell you what set off my sudden day of crabbiness. i'd like to sit and explain all the horrible things that went wrong in my day - that would inevitably make you sit and say, "aw don't beat yourself up 'red,' it happens to the best of us. i would have done the same thing if i were in your shoes!" but alas, i sit, with no excuse for my behavior than to say that there was no excuse.

[is this city rubbing off on me??] i found myself getting annoyed at a reckless driver who cut me off on the expressway, when i stopped and realized that i had just done that same action not two minutes earlier in my haste to make it home. really, 'red'?? is this what you do now?? i got physically mad at the rain yesterday for making my trip to the grocery store more difficult than it needed to be. i was that annoyed girl who switched lines to avoid the crying baby. i was the person who rolled my eyes at the group that apparently was having too good of a time together. and so i ask again. really, 'red'?? is this what you do now?

and the worst part is, not only was i getting annoyed with random people, i was getting annoyed with people i actually care about. a lot. for no good and/or justifiable reason than that i was in a bad mood. how selfish. how thoughtless.

and all it took for me to realize my bad behavior was looking into the "mirror" that happened to be in the form of a guy i truly care about. i wish you could have seen it. but then again, maybe not. i wouldn't have wanted anyone to see the look on his face when my 'bad mood' surfaced. it was like i suddenly came down with the plague. i succeeded in scaring a grown man with my moodiness.

wow.
talk about a wake-up call.

and so i post, what i assume will be a never-ending question:

why do we allow ourselves to be bothered?

what is it about the wear and tear of everyday life that somehow justifies being annoyed and irritable? is it really THAT big of a deal if someone cuts you off in traffic? is it really the END OF THE WORLD if the dishes don't get done tonight, or the garbage isn't taken out? will the world suddenly come to a crashing halt if you have to wait that extra FIVE MINUTES in line, or on hold, or to let the slow-walking pedestrian go first?

since moving to this city, i've started getting heartburn on a regular basis. it used to be the cause of much confusion as i couldn't figure out what i was doing so different that caused this rising pain. well, i figured it out. a few nights ago, i felt the heartburn tingle start to approach, and i made a conscious effort to take deep, steady breaths and relax my muscles. and guess what?? (well, you're a smart bunch, i'm sure you have it figured out) my heartburn immediately stopped growing.

has it really been that simple all along? is the cure for stress and irritation really just a deep breath, a long sigh, a relaxed muscle, and a happy thought?

with all that said, i'm sorry. i'm sorry if any of you have been the brunt of my inexusable behavior. i swear i'm still the same 'red' you've all come to know and love (i hope).

and now. after that "spring cleaning"...i think it's time for a fresh start.

one small step for "red," one giant leap for... who??

2009-02-24T15:53:00.000-06:00

[red here]

hmm...let's see here. it's been a while since i've last posted, so i'll apologize in advance for the mind-dumping that's about to occur.

i'm finding myself a bit more settled than i've been in last posts. i'm officially through all the training at my new job and i've driven head-on into the career.

i. love. my. job.

no seriously. i know you are all thinking that i'm still in the "honeymoon" stage, but it's true. while each individual task that i do isn't particularily profound or vital, i can somehow feel that this job will pay off for me. that i'm slowly but surely working up and using the skills that i've learned in school for so long. not to mention i've made some great friends here that have welcomed me warmly and have helped me feel settled. my desk has been decorated and organized to my preferences [minus a few pictures and a plant that is soon to be added]. somehow the desk seems to make it more real to me...
sometimes it's hard for me to absorb that something is actually going as planned?? [knock on wood]

i've been repeatedly getting nailed in the head with thoughts of growing up lately. it's so strange to me that at my young age, two of my friends [my age] are pregnant, i'm attending a total of four weddings [so far] this summer [not to mention the weddings of friends that have already happened], my parents have moved from my home town, i have lived in this city for almost nine months, graduation was ten months ago, and a few friends are almost completed with graduate studies. while i feel more settled lately, it's hard not to look in the direction of those "zooming" past me in life.

don't get me wrong, i wouldn't trade places with anyone for anything, but it's strange how life ends up, isn't it? i was remembering the other day about a conversation i had one time with a few old friends. we had been discussing where we could see ourselves about five years down the road. my one friend mentioned that she was hoping to be in grad school. my other friend mentioned that he was hoping to have a small farm that he owned. and i mentioned that i hoped to be living in a city, with a new and promising career.

and guess what we're all doing right now??
exactly what we had pictured.

there are times when i find myself getting sad when i think about my closest friends living in different places, but when i really stop to process it all, it makes me smile. because it means that we're all out there doing what we set out to do [what we're supposed to be doing. what we were made to do.] and suddenly, i get a surge of pride for my friends, rather than sadness. even if it's from afar, we can share in each other's joy because we all participated in getting our friends where they are now [and where they'll continue to go].

sometimes plans change. we shift and adjust the best way we know how. but i truly believe that we all have some sort of a sense of what we're to be busy doing. whether it's going on a mission trip to africa in the summer, giving birth to a first child, planning a wedding, starting and internship, looking for a new job, taking night classes, filling out applications for school, or starting a new job...

we've all got to believe that somehow,
it's pushing us in the right direction.

I might deny this later...

2009-01-19T00:39:00.000-06:00

Lashes here..

Its true...what im about to write makes me cringe. Not just because ppl are going to read it..but because im actually thinking it and feeling it..and by writing it down makes me true you know? So final... Here goes:

So it could be that im at a crossroads in my job..in my decision for school..ORR the sad, weepy songs that i keep on repeat via youtube..but im just distraught. :( If you know me, you know I dont like to admit that im not happy..because honestly i usually am. Or if im not, ill be there soon. Latly..happiness is something I have to try for..really hard. Why? well..youve heard it all before..but I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT! i mean im sure we've all been there, but im there now so let me sulk. Its like a vicious cycle. I never thought that I would be this person. Its like im at a place in my life that ive dreamed about since i was younger..my young 20's..with a college degree..living in this "fabulous" city..but im never satisfied. Is it me? I keep telling myself that "he who began a good works in me will carry it on until completion.." but somtimes faith is not so easy..especialy at times like this. I use to dream big..if i wanted to sing..id get discovered when i was older..if i wanted to be a counselor..id go to school and get my own practice and make 6 figures..not that easy. I cant stand for having a "normal" job.. I want soo much more! See, i know i want that..just IN WHAT?!!! Im soo scared im going to wake up 35, dead end job, with all these regrets....

The only thing that keeps getting me through is the faith I have in Christ..and that these big dreams are instilled in me for a reason..and put there by him...But what if i keep waiting for something to be revealed...and 10 years pass and im in the same spot? I hate saying this..but i am so envious of ppl that know what they want..that travel the world and take wonderful photography...that move to LA to pursue their singing career...the ppl that are HAPPY and CONTENT being a server!!!!!!!!!!!!! If i could have HONEST and true contentment that only comes when I know im doing the will of God..i dont care what I am doing. Right now I am not content, and with that..I am not happy. I put myself on this false time frame..i think i have to have everything figured out now..oor in the very near future..and when it comes and im still not sure im in complete turmoil because i just feel like a failure :(

Lord, Please give me the desires of my heart if they are from you. Help me be patient and wait for your will. I want to do what you have made me to do. I KNOW you have a will for my life and thats what I want! In your perfect timing..reveal things to me. Until then ill wait. "When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul"

2009...hmmm...???

2009-01-08T23:00:00.000-06:00

[red here]

let's start by getting the updates out of the way: i got a new job! i haven't started quite yet, but i have high hopes for finally begining a career that i spent four years studying in college. it's a classic office-type entry level position that most recent college grads could hope to find, but it's a small family-owned company that represents 26 different non-profits - which means it's an industry that touches my heart, along with big opportunities for promotion from within. i've set my sights high for this company and can't wait to hit the ground running and never look back at these past crazy months of unemployment [and that's all i'm saying about that] you all have heard me whine and complain endlessly about my lack of career movement and i figure i should let the world know the good news :)

now that that's out of the way, i know you're all dying to hear what's been circling in my head since the change of the new year [hint of sarcasm in tact]. basically i've continued to wonder and argue the same endless, conclusion-less topic in my head for years, and 2009 has not stopped me.

why do bad things happen to good people?

right now, you're probably rolling your eyes in my direction, about to change webpages for fear of another introspective, heart-wrenching blog topic. with that in mind, i'll just tell you now: i most likely, will have nothing new or profound to offer you on this topic. i guarantee that this will turn into a mindless ramble, mind-dumping if you will, so my feelings won't be hurt if this is the point when you change you sights back to facebook stalking, myspace hunting, answering that e-mail you've been putting off, or head to bored.com.

in the meantime, i'll be here.

it's been hard for me to celebrate my newfound job. while it's one of the first undeniably positive turns that has come my way in quite some time, i can't help but think about all the positive things i would rather have happen in the lives of those i love the most. it's hard for me to call my parents and tell them about the new job, celebrate with them, and then realize that it will be months before i can visit them because of a new schedule. it's hard for me to jump for joy over my news with my beloved roommate - as she herself is hunting for meaning and a life's purpose. i can't look a special boy in the eyes and smile about my first day at work, while he struggles with his own job hunt and taking care of his family. how can i simply leave a voicemail of good news on a friend's voicemail after she just sobbed to me about the loss of a life who was close to her.

i hate the circle of life.

so again i ask, why do bad things happen to good people? lately, i keep telling myself that it's comforting to know that we're all in this together. that no one has the life they wish they had. everyone struggles with something that seems to be out of their control. but i can't help but stop and think, why would that even be remotely comforting to me? that if one person suffers, we might as well all suffer? misery loving company is great? no. no. no. something isn't right with this picture.

right about now, if you've ignored my warnings of rambling, you're probably thinking of one or two cliches we're all sick of.
[it's all a part of life]
[god never gives you more than you can handle]
[everything happens for a reason]
[when it rains it pours, but the sunshine is coming]
[what doesn't kill you makes you stronger]

so then i ask you this: how are these sayings even remotely comforting? "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" still leaves the possibility of the hard times killing you. what if it does kill you??

i'm starting to feel bad for those who began reading this when in a good mood - and now find themselves in a deep, dark depression. especially when i don't really have any words of wisdom to turn this all around. i'm just as lost as everyone else. but we're in this together, right?? [ha. a little contradiction to lighten the mood]

i have no profound blog wrap-up to offer you, cyberspace [cuz i'm sure you're the only one who kept reading]. just a simple prayer for better things to come for those i love, and even those i don't know. please.

...still, small voice...

2008-12-14T19:56:00.000-06:00

[red here]

i had a moment yesterday. i was touched. and if you'll be patient with me, i think i'll be able to explain...

if you've followed my posts, even a little, then you know that my time in chicago hasn't been the easiest. if you haven't followed my posts, then please just take my word for it.

even around the holidays, i've found this city to be cold and impersonal. it's difficult for me to walk the streets and see so many people in need, and so many people who aren't willing to help. i've heard the same argument, over and over again, that those asking for money are simply asking for money for alcohol, or worse, drugs. but it's been increasingly difficult for me to justify that argument in my own mind. take from this what you will, but i truly believe that it doesn't matter what someone does with any amount of money you give them; that if your heart is in the right place, then you did your job. the lord knows you were trying to help. and let him take over after that.

the problem for me has been that i'm willing to give and help, but i don't have much to give. i've resulted to giving up a few bags of left-overs, or buying a simple bagel for a cold mother. but i fear that it may not be enough to help everyone who truly needs help. even if i had an expendable income, i alone, could not complete the task on my own. i've come to the conclusion that we must all work together, as one body, to trigger a change in the world.

[[and just yesterday, i was ministered to by a 6 year old boy, and a middle-aged woman]]

it was another typical day for me in the city, except that a good friend from school was visiting and i was headed downtown to meet up. i find myself getting annoyed on a regular basis by those riding the subway with me: a loud-talking teen on her phone, the guy with his ipod on so loud that it drowns out the stop announcements, the screaming baby who just won't be satisfied, the man who won't give up his seat to the handicapped.

and yesterday was no different. i found myself beyond annoyed by a group of about 25 high school kids. five minutes with them on that subway car made me hope to god that i was never that annoying in my own high school days. there's just something about a group of people who can't see further than their own noses to the crowd of people around them, that just rubs me the wrong way (i think you can all identify with me on this one...). in that short train ride, i knew who was dating who, who was mad at who, who gained weight, and who was failing english class. needless to say, my attitude about people in general wasn't in the best of shape.

to continue my journey, i had to transfer to a different train, and of course, you guessed it, this group of unruly teens was also transferring at the exact same place i was.

[[but that's when it happened]]

standing amidst my horrible company, waiting for the next train, i heard a small voice begin singing the holiday appropriate song, "silent night." i searched to find the body who had started this carol and i saw that it was a small, middle-aged woman; sitting on the ground with what i assume to be the completion of all her belongings organized around her. but even through her dirty clothes and tossed hair, anyone could see that she would have been a beautiful woman in her day.

with her eyes closed, and tears streaming down her stained cheeks, she sang her song as though it were the one task the lord had given her in her whole life.

i looked around and grew increasingly frustrated as the same high school kids continued to yell about superficial problems. it's like they couldn't even hear the glorious sound. i wanted to scream, "can't you see?! can't you get past your own little life to see this big world around you?! there's so much happening and you don't even care!"

but it was a lost cause.

as i stood alone by a dirty pole, i started to cry. so touched by this woman's faith; so touched by god's love for us. and that's when my second moment happened. a looked over, and saw a small 6 year old boy reach into his poofy coat pocket and pull out two small quarters. without even looking to his mother for encouragement, he walked over to the lady gave her the fifty cents and said, ever so quietly, "you sound beautiful - please keep singing."

the own boy's mother was so busy on the phone that even she didn't notice what her child had done; didn't even notice that her boy had left her side; didn't even notice what a blessing her son was to me and the singing woman.

feeling blessed that i had witnessed this scene, i began thinking to myself. i wonder if this is how it was when jesus walked the earth. i imagine him quietly walking around, doing the work of god, not always being recognized or honored. i wonder if some soul out there was in the same place as me, a mere observer, to the miracles of jesus, himself.

my prayer is that you all will witness something so small, but so wonderful, that will touch your heart. i pray that god will open our eyes more often, to see the real state of the world. to recognize grief and take action, but to also recognize beauty and stand in awe.

regardless of my own frustrations and anxieties, i feel blessed. and i pray that you do too.

{one of those moments}

2008-11-30T18:23:00.000-06:00

[red here]

the holiday parade, and the lighting of the city was last week. the only reason i was particularily drawn to this tourist attraction was to meet a few friends i hadn't seen in a while. long story short, plans ended up falling through and i found myself wandering the crowded, but festive streets alone.

it was one of those moments you see in movies: the main character walks through the endless crowd of people, yet the look on their face speaks of deep thoughts and lonesome tendencies. listening to my own soundtrack of damien rice via ipod, i had one of those moments. i found myself reliving every decision in my life that has led me to where i am now. this time last year, i had no idea that this is where i would be on the brink of 2009. i think i picture things happening a lot quicker in my mind than is truly realistic. i've always been a big dreamer, but i'm starting to realize how heart-breaking it is to get my hopes up...about anything.

i'm waiting to hear about a promising job interview at the start of this week. while everything in my being wants this job offer, i'm finding myself being quite pessimistic about it all - simply so i won't be let down too much if it doesn't unfold the way i had hoped. i hate that life is doing this to me. i've always been an eternal optimist; even through the hardest of times. and now, i've only gotten a taste of what the "real world" has to offer, and i'm already buckling at the knees. i wish i was stronger than i really am. my friends would all probably tell you that i can take a lot without being too beaten down - but i think i've done a good job of hiding this all so far. avoiding topics has been my secret weapon of strength; which really isn't strength at all, is it?

so here i sit. void of any real emotion for fear of overflowing. semi-anonymously spilling my heart out to whoever finds it in their heart to continue reading. this time last year, i would have found this a waste of time. documenting experiences rather than having them. but i think i need an ounce of stability rather than a truckload of new experiences. so for now, i'll be satisfied with a warm drink, this lap top, and a good friend.

Love Actually

2008-11-17T19:58:00.000-06:00

*lashes*

Right now my apartment smells like it did my sophomore year...its like an evergreen woodsy smell and I LOVE IT. Id prefer sitting here in my apt. than doing most anything else..and just bask in the scent. haha. I have heard that scent is the strongest sense tied to memory... i definitely agree with that. Just sitting here smelling it makes me think of all the things that went on my sophomore year...my fav, year i do believe.. and for one reason alone...the relationship i was in... first time ever actually admitted "the one that got away".... When it was good..it was GREAT..when it was bad..worse feeling ive ever felt..to date.

Id honestly say this was my first "real" boyfriend...which is never good..because now looking back, there are so many things i would have done different...so many things i would have remembered not to take for granted. If the pre me could meet the post me and say "STOP NIT-PICKING" that would have been nice..Im not saying it was all my fault...he will take some blame too...but i fear.....

who I needed him to be back then...is who he is now..

Since our breakup maybe...2 yrs ago...eeks..move on tiff right?lol ...we remained best of friends...with still feelings for eachother...attraction...and chemistry i have YET to find with another person..which only led to a BAD ending.

We don't talk now...which is for the best because theres another "me"...and i cant find another "him" Last night i went out with a group from work..i met a guy and we talked all night..we were the only sober ones in the place...we left them and went to the golden nugget..classy joint..we had great conversation..but at the end of the night when i got into the cab to go home..i broke into tears..remembering it just wasnt QUITE as good as it use to be with "him" which leads me to my next case..

whoever said it is better to love and lost than not ever love at all.....must have never loved and lost!

i could not disagree with that statement more...If i have never loved..then i wouldnt have anything to compare it to..nothing would fall short..as everything has...

no matter what i did with "him" we had fun. Put us in a cardboard box and wed cuddle and giggle until someone found us..or the homeless guy came back and kicked us out..;) we liked the same movies, music, had mostly the same friends. same morals, same sense of humor, same food preferences..same birthday for pete sake! and the list goes on. W e could talk on the phone all day every day..and never run out of things to say..he would pull over on the side of the highway after coming to get me because he couldnt stand not kissing me for any minute longer...kiss,blinker, blindspot and now we drive..

So here I am...daily...sometimes hourly..wondering if you still think of me as much as I think of you...Or am i still "outta sight, outta mind?" Im just trusting that cliche saying "if its meant to be, it will be" but how much of that can i screw up and/or already have? MY PLEA: Lord, Help me forget how it felt to be so happy and feel so loved while being 110% myself. OR Bless me again.

change winds are blowing...yet again

2008-11-16T23:28:00.000-06:00

[red here]

you would think that after graduating, saying good-bye to my best friends, moving to chicago, and my employment struggle; that my change quota for 2008 would be completed. right?!? guess not. it's november, but apparently that means that the lord has a good month and a half left to make 2008 even more drastic.

[[i just said good-bye to my parents]]

my feelings about the whole situation have been hard to relate to others. most people had to say farewell to their parents via: move to college. but here's the thing - i'm the youngest in my family. so i saw how much it affected my parents when my older sister left. i also knew what it felt like to be left behind. thus: my previous decision to stay semi-close to my parents. this has worked out quite nicely for me for the past 4 years considering my college was only 1 1/2 hours away; and my recent move to the city only added an extra 1/2 hour to that distance.

tomorrow morning, my parents will embark on their move: 16 hours away from me. it's actually a good thing that they're going. it means that they will be able to take care of my aging grandparents who, quite frankly, could use my parents more than i could. i'm just a selfish person, i guess. i like just knowing that i could zip on home for the day if need be. i liked being able to be home for every birthday, major holiday, cook-out, and brunch.

but here i sit. now forced to officially be an adult. start my own life. there's no "dipping the toes" into an alternate life of my own. no no. it's all or nothing now. my independent nature finds it exciting and thrilling. there's something about the option of failure that gets my adrenaline flowing so bad, that i refuse to do anything but succeed.

but the second i get excited, my mind gets hit with a mental time bomb: the memory of the look on my parent's face as i pulled out of the driveway today, not knowing the next time i would see them. elton john's 'tiny dancer' serenading me from the car as i drive through my bitty town, remembering what it felt like to drive through my block for the first time when i was seven. the wall in the laundry room that holds the combination of our family's heights over the years. every game night and sleepover in our oddly decorated basement. every single furniture arrangement of my bedroom that i couldn't decide on over the years. the basketball hoop in back that i spent hours perfecting my lay-up on. the paper route that my sister and i were so proud of, that eventually paid for my first year at college. the garden that i was forced to weed every mother's day to show my affection. our crazy office off the garage that flooded every spring after the snow melted. my dad's alarm clock going off bright and early every morning and being woken up for school by my parents. and finally, what our home looked like all boxed up and labeled for the movers. it's one of those moments that you thought were only created in movies. i feel melodramatic for being so sentimental - but i think if you've spent any significant part of your life in one home, you know what i'm saying right now.

so here i sit: on the brink of my own life. it's now or never, and there's no turning back now. i'm just hoping that every decision i've made in my life up until this point will be enough to get me through on my own, and lead me on the right path. cuz now, the option to run back home is gone.

i suppose it's all a part of growing up (to add another cliche...). i'm sure i'll look back in a couple of years and wonder why i even worried so much. but for now - it's all a mystery to me.

and i kinda just want my mom and dad...

...cheap imitation...

2008-11-11T10:29:00.000-06:00

[red here]

i've spent too much time comparing myself to others. even the title of our blog speaks something of my imitations.

throughout my entire life, i've been told that i am a unique individual: {the bible, my parents, my best friends, cover girl commercials...} so the thought has started to occur to me over time, that everyone replicates their life after another; in one way or two. don't get me wrong, this can be a valuable asset - IF you base your flattery on a good-hearted person.

but what happens when u start paying attention to what everyone in your life thinks? it makes it impossible to please what they all individiually want for your life.

i've found myself needing to please. i'm here for one simple reason: i'm not sure i know what i want for myself.

this has led me down countless paths of comparisons; whether healthy or not.
what were my parents doing when they were my age?
where was my sister at in life when she was my age?
who got the job of their dreams right out of college?
why is she such a good singer?
how come is all just fits together for her?
how can she be so independent?
what does he see in her?
why is everyone so happy all of the sudden?
who told her that was a good idea?
how is she so successful?

what am i lacking?

please don't take this as a "i'm feeling sorry for myself blog"... i'll admit: i have felt a little sorry for myself recently, but i'm not sure that i want you all to know that... [but i guess the cat's out of the bag now...]

in a time for discovering myself, i've decided that it's time i put other's accomplishments behind me. of course, i will celebrate in their joys; but it's time for me to decide what i want for myself. it might not be glamorous, fabulous, plush, or jazzy. but i do think it will bring a deeper happiness and discovery. and i believe that's what we all really want in the end...

Madness I tell yah...

2008-11-09T12:26:00.000-06:00

Its "Lashes"

There are soo many things that are going on inside my head that I am not sure how to theme this post. I mean i could do the whole guy thing... the job thing...but I think im just ganna write and see what comes out..

So since Ive last written ive turned 23...feels no different...the way i look at it im closer to 25 which makes me closer to thirty...so technically im in my late 20's and im freaked out...lol. My birthday was great tho! On the 30th, my actual birthday..a bunch of my best friends came up from school and we went to this lil bar place..it was really fun..they met all my friends from work..and they all meshed so nicely! I have to say the best part of it all wa the morning after when me sooz zac and chris layed around, ate remaining birthday cake, and made up a talk show about how life was pre and post blind...who does that? I mean i havnt laughed that hard in ....months! That night we went to Bourbonais to celebrate zacs birthday! We stayed out by the campfire for a little bit then me and sooz started our weekend extravaganza with the gals! We did the whole chi town thing..and girl bonding time...aka taking pictures, watching movies and catching eachother up on life. Which ties back into reds last post..that people tell their lives and realize it sounds better than what they are actually feeling...guilty s charged. My life sounds like a 23 year olds dream...unfortunetly..im not your average 23 yr old...

Dating is.....u know what im soo over it..i sort of want to go through my phone and delete every male number i have..cept for family! I wonder how vulgar i can be...well i met this dude at my bday thing...he seemed harmless but i mean im smart about it..so when he asked me to come over to his house for our "first date" i asked him to take me out..one i deserve that...and 2 i found out early on in the city that going to a guys apt does not mean watch a movie and play board games....PREACH! lol so he took me to the movies...ok he seemed really sweet..held my hand suring saw 5..how romantic...so then after talking on the phone a week after i felt maybe it was ok to go to his studio and watch a movie...WRONG. ok i should have got the hint when he told me to look through his movies to pick one out of my choice and there was "naughty girls from kansas"...then i say..so tell me more about yourself..and he replies "im a freak" hmm...THEN.... he tries whipping his jimmy dean out!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU kidding me! I left after that..and he smelled like maple... Strike One

Id like to say this was the mst eventful thing that has happened this week..but it wasnt..and for that i am ashamed...lol To sum it up... i wanted to waste the majority of this maple man..my best guy friend sent a text claiming he was "in love with me" and that hes thought about if we would work or not....first of all...really..in text form? then a few days later after i really dont say much because to me actions speak louder than words...i just wait...and he proceeds to tell me hes going out on dates with this other girl...? hmm..ppl just throw around the L word these days dont they? the worse part is my rents LOVE him and i made the mistake of telling them what he said and they are pumped...good job tiff! Strike two

And the last...so ive been talking on and off with a guy from school from the past year...becoming great friends and developing feelings for eachother..well a few weeks ago he decides to tell me that hes ready to date...well if u know me im a pretty guarded person when it comes to that stuff...so i again just wait for some action to back up his words...well the weekend comes where hes suppose to be all romantic..and nothing..so i ask him about it..and hes all nervous so i say whatever..lets just be friends then..thats fine with me..i dont want to hear another thing about us dating...so we continue to talk the rest of the week...come to find out hes starting to talk to another "girl" at school...that hurt...so i dont talk to him or answer his calls for a over a week...and i get a call last night while im with maple man that hes in chi and lost..well he lied cuz he knew id answer the phone to that and not n e thing else...so he turns out to be in chi..but not lost...so we talk for a while..and he relizes that he made a mistake and i just agree..cuz he did! then i said i didnt want to talk n e more..its just easier for me....well see tho..thus being STRIKE three....

Last but not least..lol Guy C....hung out for a few times...havnt kissed..which im glad..i just want t get to knw him...hes really nice...funny...got me a really nice bday present which im not use to which is sad..im always finding the cheap brothas..lol but i dont know where its ganna go...ima sit back and see what happens...ill keep u posted! BALL one...

YA'LL OUT!

Ok so i guess this did turn into a guy blog..damn them..always sneaking in there some how. So heres my declaration...Can i kiss dating goodbye?! YES i can! damn men...im just ganna have fun..do my thing as usual.. and if someone is man enough to step up tp the plate on lashes team..then they will DO it and not just SAY it! catch my drift! I love this turned into a whoes on third and whats on second baseball metaphor...hehe

stay tuned...

my best

2008-11-02T00:15:00.000-05:00

[red here]

wow.
i just had a fabulous weekend.
it was "lashes" birthday this weekend and let's just say, that we had a gret time celebrating. it was the perfect blend of old, best friends and our new and upcoming acquaintences; jazzy city life and comforting country (if you will). while i miss my friends from school all the time, do you ever feel like you miss them the most when they're right in front of you? like, all the sudden, it hits you how much you've missed them in the past months - and you just realized it when they were sitting right there... call me crazy, but i really do miss people more when i'm with them then when we're apart.

i had the night to myself tonight. took a bath. uploaded pictures. messed around with my hair. you know that kind of glorious night?! anyways, it was the perfect time for me to sit and think for once. i was talking with a friend of mine earlier in the day, and i found it particularly profound enough to share with you all. basically, these past few months have been very hard on me. i wasn't prepared for so much change, so fast, so drastic. and i don't know about you, but when i get together with people i haven't talked to in a while, i feel the need to make my life sound so much better than is actually is...lol. no but seriously, you konw you do it too. [but that's the exact thing that got me thinking].
i found myself being jealous of my friends. until i realized, that they too, are most likely making their lives sound better than it actually is too!
don't get me wrong, i want my friends' lives to be as great as they seem, but it hit me - i'm not sure that i'd even be happy with their lives as my own. marriage. pregnacy. new homes. new jobs. grad school. different priorities.
it got me to take a serious look at my attitude. while this may be a hard time in my life, doesn't that mean that something great might be just around the corner? and that thing will be just perfect for ME - no one else.

the bible says to be happy where you are in life. don't wish you were anywhere else with anyone else...
so i've got to keep trusting that my destiny might be bigger than i even imagined for myself.

and that's what i like to call: an attitude adjustment.

just kiddin.... change of plans?!?

2008-10-09T18:02:00.000-05:00

::redhere::

okay great. i'm finding myself crawling back to this blog out of confusion and feeling quite misled.

remember how i told you in my last entry that i had started a new job, in which i would be able to utilize my ever-expensive degree. WELL...let's just say it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. while it was a legit company i was working for, i'll go as far as to say that my job was nothing but a scam. i found myself working for a heartless employer, who was focused on making millions of dollars for himself and making empty promises to each and every individual in the office. he spoke of "short-term sacrifice and long-term gain." i quickly found out that this was his way of getting everyone to put up with office bullshit [i'll spare you the details].

long story short: i quit my job on monday. i had a nagging in my heart that told me i didn't want to waste anymore time working for this company/employer. and while i am currently finding myself unemployed, i have yet to regret my decision. i can't help but feel that God will honor my decision, and open another career door for me. i don't need to remind everyone that our economy is at its worst right now; but this is making my job search a bit more difficult. but u know what?! i just need a job at this point. i have a fulfilling enough personal life that i think i can put up with a mundane job if i need to... :)

{IN OTHER NEWS}

my parents are officially moving about 14 hours away from me. my dad recently accepted a job in order to move close to my grandparents so they can take care of them in their old age. this is something i've been expecting for quite some time, but it's one of those things that i hadn't fully prepared myself for. i haven't lived further than an hour and a half from my parents and it will take a little adjusting on my part (to say the least). but i also realize that my grandparents need my parents more than i do right now.

so there you have it folks: i quit my "dream" job, am currently filling out more applications/resumes than one person should, dealing with my parents moving 14 hours away in less than 6 weeks, and attempting to put it all in God's hands....

yikes.

new options = new outlook

2008-10-03T22:19:00.000-05:00

:red:here:

too much has happened since my last post to even try to catch you all up on; so i'll give you the briefs:
1. i started a new job at a company called "hybrid incorporated".
i won't try to explain exactly what i do there, but just
know that it's an accelerated management program, and i
actually get to use the information i learned while earning
my degree :)
2. i haven't had time to have an actual life outside of work
because i'm currently working 12 hour shifts, 6 days a week,
so that i'll be able to advance through the program as quickly
as possible.
3. i'm excited to finally have a goal to work towards. this may
not end up being the job of my dreams, but i definately feel
like i'm headed in the right direction.

in other news: i've had some different family changes going on in my life too. i won't get in to too many details here, but it's made me thankful for working so much, if only to get my mind off of other changes in my life. i've found that that's my coping method of choice: drown myself in some other aspect of my life so i won't have to deal with whatever's right in front of me. i'm not sure that this is the healthiest way of dealing with things, but spare me the scolding. [my psychology/social work majors are probably cursing me as they read this, but i'll accept your advice only after i've successfully pushed my issues away rather than dealing with them :)]

something that has really helped me though, is knowing that we're all in this together. i'm not sure that i know of one recent college grad who has the life they imagined they would post-college. don't get me wrong, this isn't me saying that i'm glad my friends don't have everything they ever wanted in life. but part of me is glad to know that i'm not the only one struggling with life. i think it might just be an awkward stage of life: we're not really sure what we want out of life yet, and even if we do know, we're not sure how to go about getting it, and if we do start going after it, it ends up being a lot harder than we thought.
[can i get an amen?]

enough complaining for tonight i think. i feel like you all think i'm an emotion ball of glop right now, but i swear i'm not this frustrated. like i said, i'm successfully pushing my problems away instead of dealing, thank you very much.

peace out.

"dream big"... sometimes i wish i didnt dream at all....

2008-09-30T22:18:00.000-05:00

lashes here..

sigh...so much to catch you up on! but you know what..that may have to be for a different time. Right now i need to focus on what has been plaguing me....my title says it all. What does it mean? Somtimes i wish i didnt dream so big so that the stuff that i did didnt seem quite so unfulfilling. I want to be ok with working a 9-5 job..meeting a good man, having some good children...ugh makes me nautious. Dont get me wrong, that is a GREAT and blessed life to have and i dont look down on n e one for wanting that for themselves..i envy the desire. But for me...ok dont laugh but i dont think i will be happy until i am the next jennifer hudson! or jordin sparks..until I am the host of my own "how to dress your curvy body" TLC show...until I am looked up to by women all around the world that being curvy is beautiful..until I am over my fear of belting it like i can only belt in in my car or the shower when no one is listening..in front of billions of people..until i am on the people magazine in a great pair of jeans, boots, and cute jacket! Until I am a plus size model strutting my now size 12 ass down a run way! Until i have my own clothing line out..(too bad i cant draw or sew...then why the desire God?I mean is it clique to say i want to be a big deal? lol Who doesnt right? But theres something about my desire that just wont GIVE! ive had plenty of opportunities for 9-5's but i just cant do it! Why? for many many reasons! I HATE schedules..and routines..i hate not being able to wear whatever i want to work...fashion is huge to me..Even now, I have a job opportunity that i can possibly be making 100 grand in 6 months...sounds GREAT huh? yah to be financially free would be AMAZING...but getting there by doing something im NOT passionate about..i dont know if i can stomache it? How does someone small like me get to be where I want..i have NO desire to pick up move to cali and pursue n e thing like that...i dont want to be an actress...and as ive said before im TERRIFIED to REALLY sing in front of ppl...and unfortunetly i wasnt born a 6 ft model type...(its ok Lord I like what you gave me ;)) But it just frusterates me because I can still recall a time when I was in hapel freshman year at olivet..and i had been praying about the direction God wanted me to go with my life....well all the sudden during chapel I just began praying about it after i hadnt been in a while...i wsant even thinking about it..It was just interceded with my thoughts...and I heard a tiny voice tell me HELP WOMEN...thats alwasy been my desire..but by doing that i dont want to be a social worker..or not even a counselor...i want to be a role model!Its actually really scary sharing my dreams..not many ppl know this about me becuse i dont want to reveal these dreams just incase they dont happen and not only will i wake up aware im unfullfilled..but everyone else will know as well:(.....ugh im beat. Thanks for reading my rambles..sorry no witty banter..lol stay tuned for some JUICY dating misfortunes....haha they are some doozies!

if you ask me: it's time for a new outlook

2008-09-15T21:47:00.000-05:00

"red" here:
i've officially had one more month to adjust to my new life here in the city. things are starting to get a little easier: i finally beat my war with mono, i haven't gotten a parking ticket in over a month, and i haven't locked myself out of the apartment recently.

but in other news: i'm not sure that i quite fit in here...

i've recently realized that in the short three months-or-so that i've lived here, that this city has changed me. i guess i didn't really realize it until a few conversations with some old friends. i found myself getting frustrated with the judgemental undertones and hypocricy that laced every word out of their mouths. i never realized how close-minded some people can be (even those closest to me).

but on the other hand, i'm so far from the "anything goes" attitude that lines the streets of the city. i wonder sometimes if people can see past their own noses to recognize the damage they're causing in their own lives. this whole "live for today, who cares about tomorrow" attitude just isn't flying for me either.

needless to say, i have yet to find my "niche" in this city. but then again, i'm not sure that i even want to fit in with option 'a' or 'b' discussed above. maybe i'll be short a few old friends and i won't get invited to as many 'crazy escapades' with people from work; but i think it's time for me to buckle down and actually pursue what I want out of life. the hard part is, i'm not exactly positive where to begin in this whole, "pursuing my dreams" thing... but i'm 22, and i figure i'm allowed to make a few mistakes here or there, right?!

i'm incredibly aware of my own flaws, don't get me wrong; i'm just sick of sitting back and letting other people influence me with their own bad judgement.

here goes nothin!

BEWARE: sickness may lead to boredom...

2008-08-06T17:48:00.000-05:00

i think, techinically, it's supposed to be "lashes" turn to write, but you know what?! it's a "red" kind of day.

i've officially been diagnosed with strep throat. i won't bore you with the crazy details and complaints of sickness - rather than to say that i hate being sick and i'm pretty sure i might hate my job too (another story for another time...). so the only good thing about being sick, is that i don't have to go to work?? i know, it's terrible... but what's so wrong about finding the positive in a situation?! :)

it's been a little time since "lashes" and i shared our latest dating blunders with you all. our newest challenge? :marriedmen: that's right, you read it correctly. is it too idealistic to think that the majority of married men would be committed enough to their wives to not attempt a hook-up with a young, single girl? i dunno, clearly the small-town girl in both "lashes" and myself is making herself apparent in these situations, but i'm not used to assuming that men WITHOUT wedding rings could be married! i guess it's time for me to remember that rings can be removed.
[i'll go ahead and let "lashes" continue her own thoughts on the marriage topic in the future...so stay tuned...]

other than that, i have met a few people in this city who seem to be quality - thankfully. it's kinda nice to spend time with someone who knows all the little fun things to do in the city that i would never find on my own. i don't feel so much like a tourist in this city!! i never thought this day would come!!!! so at least the good has been accompanying the bad lately - and maybe that's the most that can be expected... let's just hope the good begins to outweigh the bad soon - for fear that my positive nature will soon become tainted and bitter...

{a little o' this and a little o' that}

2008-07-10T21:32:00.000-05:00

(RED HERE)
so, training at work is finally complete - well almost. we have our "final exam" on monday, but other than that, we're officially on the schedule for work! it's a little bittersweet, if i'm honest. i'm so ready to start making legitimate money, but it's such an intense job that i'm not sure how long i'll be able to keep up. but for now, i won't bore you with the in-depth emotions revolved around the whole new job situation.

=INSTEAD=
i'll bore you with the other fascinating thoughts that i tend to ponder throughout the day ;).

there's something that's been on my mind for quite some time - and what better place to broadcast my secret thoughts, than right here! with you all...haha. i've brought this idea up to some of my closest friends, and it's interesting to note - that all the girls tended to agree with my conclusion, and all of the guys tended to explain this phenomenon through other means. so i beg you, leave comments regarding what i'm about to say (whether you agree or not), simply to satisfy my own mischevious curiousity.

SO: this old episode of sex and the city got me thinking. (i know it's hard to imagine that i got something terribly valuable from this show....but just follow me for a minute here, if you would please).
how much of a successful relationship is based on timing? how would my past relationships be different if i met them at a different time of our lives?
they said on the show that men are like taxis...that you have to find them when their light is on - meaning they're available and ready to be in a relationship; that it doesn't matter the girl so much as it does the timing of that girl finding him with his "light" on. that it doesn't matter what you do or who you are: if his light isn't "on," the relationships is doomed to fail. the funny thing is, it seems like most girls have their light "on" from age 18 and on - but guys only have their's on for a bit until the over-eager "relationship" girls snatch them up.
it makes sense to me though. it sucks, but it makes sense. but the thing is....even when i do meet someone someday, i'm forever going to be wondering if it's ME that's special, or if it was just impecable timing....
but if i let myself go too far down that road, then every relationship doomed to fail because i'll never be able to settle for "RIGHT PLACE, RIGHT TIME".... i want to be the "right one"...

but is that too much of a fairy tale? at the lack of sounding cynical, is it ever possible to find that? are my standards just incredibly too high to not just settle with someone cuz they happen to be RIGHT THERE...

but maybe that's just life. we'll never know i guess.... maybe we all just have to BELIEVE that there's one person for us... that love conquers all... and that we're somehow special... and that it's possible to find that complimentary special person:

when in reality, it has nothing to do with you, or him.
it's all just timing...
and lights on taxis...

keep your eyes on the prize!

2008-06-30T18:36:00.000-05:00

(lashes here)
so here I am ....waiting....for a phone call from back telling me if i have won this contest I have been in for the past 6 weeks! They said they would have the results at 6..i called at 6:12...they dont have them yet!! come on your killing me here!!! the grand prize is $1,000....uh yes please! that money would REALLY come in handy on a new move to chicago with unexpected expenses popping up atleast three times a day!

................ im sure you are wondering what the contest is....i usually dont like to talk about this stuff at all...but how can i blog about my anticipation if i cant share it right! well it was this competition at my gym back home...it was a spin off the "Biggest Loser" television show. I drove home every other week to get weighed in and measured (the gas got expensive!) It started with about 3o of us...and now at the end it is down to about 15 or 10! So that gives a better chance for me to win! I had the final weigh in last night (sunday) and overall i lost 12 lbs, 19% body fat and 20 total inches in 6 wks!! Im quite proud of myself! So i feel that i have a good chance, fingers crossed! As clique as it sounds..even if i dont win..i still feel great..so its not like i lost n e thing by doing this competition...(tempting but i will NOT insert the joke that I KNOW u thought i would...) lol. Its just too easy..ive got more skill than that ;)

I started dieting around Christmas time..and ive lost overall about 45 lbs. I still want to keep going with it..im not at my goal yet...but i feel confident and...u know what..ill say it! sexy! lol And ive lost weight before...but ill be honest and say it wasnt in the right way...this time ive just stuck with eating the right carbs and many, small meals through out the day and making sure i get some sort of excersize everyday! (Sundays i usually took the day off from the gym) I didnt deprive myself of n e thing and when i wanted to cheat i did! Honestly the craving didnt come very often..i wasnt depriving my body of n e thing it wanted so i was craving things like asparagus and salads! if you know me...youll know these are not my usual foods of choice..

Anyway...along with this new bod change...is coming alot of unexpected male attention (i DO NOT mean this to be cocky in any way! please dont take it as that!) Im saying im not use to it! I mean ive dated and guys have been interrested and stuff..but nothing like now...honestly its overwhelming.. i have always had gorgeous friends...with great bods..so ive never felt noticed in that dept... As in my aforementioned blog...these guys are only interested in my looks...they dont really care about who i am...which i use to think i always wanted...a guy to think i was hott and JUST based off that want to go out with me...sounds wierd i know but if youve never had that..i dont know maybe its just me ;). Now that I have it...i wish someone would care about who I am on the inside...i mean ive only been on a few dates... and the common theme was they wanted something ELSE... lol I mean im not looking for a groom or n e thing like that! or even a bf...(im enjoying this single thing toooooooo much!) but someone to want to go out numerous times and just enjoy eachothers company! is that too much to ask u perverts! haha ;) Im just ganna throw out there that my insides are MUCH better than my out....so stick around ;)

...and I don't ever wanna talk about it again...

2008-06-28T21:14:00.000-05:00

It's been quite the interesting week here in the city. Since our orientation date for work got pushed back an extra week, I was really dreading this random week with nothing to do. I know, I know, it sounds strange...that I wouldn't be looking forward to a free week - but free weeks + no money = too much thinking time for "Red."

Honestly, as hard as this week was for me, I found that the extra time allowed me to really work through a few things in my life. I mentioned in my last post that I wasn't sure if I was exactly ready to delve into all my dreams and feelings on here yet, but apparently I'm more ready than I thought ;) ...so here goes nothin:

I'd been a little down in the dumps this past week but I just couldn't really put my finger on it. It didn't click with me what was making me sad until a simple little conversation I had with my roommate, whom we affectionately refer to as , "Lashes." Three of our best guy friends from college came up to visit this weekend and we had both been looking forward to it all week. We had an absolutely fabulous time with them, but I found myself terribly sad when they had to leave. I know what you're thinking, "of course you're sad they left... you miss spending time with them a lot..." But it was so much more than that. "Lashes" and I realized that what we miss the most is having guys in our lives who truly love and care about us - no strings attached. They came simply to spend time with us - no other expectations, and we both found it incredibly refreshing. As much as we've both enjoyed the new experience that is the city, and our newfound independence - I couldn't help but feel like part of who I am left with those three guys when they pulled out from our apartment. Our new friends in the city have been more than welcoming and friendly to us, but I miss just being able to sit with good friends who just "get" me; all the little, stupid nooks and crannies of my personality.
This experience made me scared to start my new job here (as unrelated to the last paragraph as it may seem). I realize that I'm scared to make this my permanent residence - afraid that I'm going to get stuck in something that might be too much for me to handle without the comfort of my best friends with me all the time.
I know most college grads go through these same feelings and we all get the same advice: that it's a growing time of your life, you'll make new friends, you'll struggle, but all will work out. I can't help but be honest here though, and say, I'm sick of these comments. Why can't it be okay for me to miss the people who understand me the best? I'd welcome any comments you want to give, but spare me the simple cliches and "it will all work out in the end" speeches. I'd rather know simply that I am understood.

Please don't take this post to mean that I'm a depressed girl who regrets her decision to move to the city and start a new life. Instead, read this post as being from a girl who can't help but get attached to her favorite people - but is trying to be brave enough to branch out without them.

p.s. I promise my next post will be incredibly more witty and humorous...just you wait ;)

so this whole shoe thing is cuz of me...

2008-06-27T00:02:00.000-05:00

Its true.. i love shoes..its just "my thing" i have many and they make me semi happy! now dont label me as "that girl" cuz im not. you'll see.

So this whole blog thing is definetly a "red" thing to do...btw..we are not using our real names...because red thought it wouldnt be safe..haha. I on the other hand would be more than willing to divy out my address, place of employment, social security...haha but thats why i get into trouble sometimes...

So Chicago for me... its proved to be....scary...for once i feel naive. I mean i went to a private Christian University for the last four years..so if i really sat down and was honest with myself..id realize i am pretty naive..but now its written all over my forehead even though i desperetly try to hide it. N e ways...it happened soo fast! Thats how i work though, when i get an idea i jump into it..obviously that can be both good and bad. We ran into a few set backs upon moving..but for the most part i would do it again the same way if i had to do it all over again.

Red talked about her experiences with our moving dilemas so ill spare you...mine have to do with dating...To put it bluntly...these men want ONE thing. The first date? COME ON...i mean i realize im not living in the 1950s anymore, but I refuse to believe that Chivalry is dead!(im secretly hoping that this will start a huge debate between men and women in our comment area..so just humor me could ya? ;) I would get deeper in this subject..but honestly it scares me to be so personal with the tom, dick, and harry's that may or may not be reading this...but im sure ill warm up :) ...hope you enjoyed a little taste of who I am! Dont be fooled..im NOT this simple :) Stay tuned..

ps...im lashes because i have freakishly long eye lashes...*tap tap..is this thing on?* lol

"Red" dives in...

2008-06-26T23:03:00.000-05:00

So here it is: the my first individual blog post. I can tell you're just as excited as I am about the development ;).

[ANYWAYS]: this whole move to the "big city" has truly been an adventure. I find myself wondering why no one bothered to tell me that college would come and go so quickly??!! I'm the type of girl who has always relied on the people closest to me, and I've come to feel like someone, somewhere, just pulled the rug out from under me.

Needless to say, the experience has made me learn more about myself and what I want out of life. Now don't get me wrong, I CLEARLY don't have all the answers for my own life, or anyone else's, but I can feel the small steps of progress - and that's a good thing, right?!

Even though I may have had just a little bit too much thinking time on my hands, I've found it to be a much-need hiatus from my usual crazy schedule of homework, waitressing, counseling friends and family through minor (and in their minds MAJOR) crisis', and keeping up with the Jones' (shout-out to jezzzca on that one).

I'm not sure that I'm fully ready to DIVE IN to my hopes and dreams here in cyberspace - but I'm sure that if you're patient, it will all be revealed in due time.

With big expectations of the future,
--[ReD]--

p.s. just a little taste of experiences I've had so far...
Lessons I've Learned About Moving:

[1] Call about cable, internet, heat, gas, electric, water, etc.. a WEEK prior to moving (you will be forced to live without if you don't).

[2] If Fridge seems to NOT be cold enough...it's probably broken. CONTACT LANDLORD ASAP!!

[3] Save up approx. twice the $ yoiu will need in the first month. YOU WILL NEED IT!!

[4] Value any sort of CLOSET SPACE you have... :(

[5] Look up local gangs pre-signing of lease...

[6] Check cell phone service in ALL areas of the apartment before agreeing to move in...or else you'll end up on the porch every time you try to use the phone... (yet another emoticon sad face could be applied here)

[7] Check ice cream truck schedule prior to moving...if the loud truck comes every five minutes in your neighborhood...it would be in your best interest to look into a different neighborhood.

[8] Buy blinds ASAP!

[9] Kill neighbors with an interest in fire-crackers prior to moving in. You'll regret it if you don't....

Trying to Find the Best Fit...

2008-06-26T22:19:00.000-05:00

So here begins our adventure:

One small town bred two good friends - these two girls made one big move to one big city.

Girl 1, we'll call her Red: she's the "mom" of the two, always locking doors, making beds, and cooking dinner - was ready for something new. She'd only had tastes of independence, and this was her time. Not quite sure what she wants out of life, but knows she's headed in the right direction. Don't get the wrong impression, she's not as straight-laced as she sounds ;) But you'll find that out for yourself as you read on.

Girl 2, we'll call her Lashes: she's the adventurous one of the two, always leaving doors unlocked, weaving in and out of traffic, and burning popcorn in the microwave - was not meant for small town life. Not quite sure what she's looking for, but doesn't want to miss out on ANY experience on the journey: good or bad.

So how, you ask, do these two girls make it work?
They balance each other out, you see. Where one needs tightening, the other needs loosening. When one needs encouragement, the other has wisdom to offer. When one needs to let go, the other has already loosened all the bolts.
They're not as opposite as they seem though. Both value relationships, love, morals, trust, and experiences.

Let the Games Begin!

[still hiding]up.my.sleeve.

this might be more fun.

when i'm sad, i sleep.

::i wish i lived closer to my sister::

themesong.

the snowpocalypse.

i don't care what you think.

you are what you eat.

the simple life.

the cure to my bad day/happy birthday "locks"

smile.

defaced.

i love lamp

::redhere::

tossing. turning.

heaven will look something like this.

::bigdreams::

irony.

in it together.

::a little lyrical love::

when things change.

::prejudice::

i never told anyone....

::just things::

::bob dylan, thanks for being so brilliant::

::feelingnostalgic::

::craftsunday::

carbs

about that honesty thing...

::just a hint of it::

::untitled::

::us::

::you::

::asickgameofmusicalchairs::

just keep it under wraps...(for both our sakes)

thanks for the pick-me-up....

rain.rain. ::don't go away::

::decisions, decisions - and a few minor details i suppose::

::thoughts on.....well, maybe just thoughts::

::big lights will inspire you::

who's to say?

well....dangit.

::tick:tock:: (not to be confused with kesha lyrics)

::locks::

planned on doing a top 10 - but that quickly turned into a top 20....

sister maria said it best: these are a few of my faaavorrittte things....

"10 - 9 - 8 - 7 -....."

and you can just call me: 'ms. jones' - eastcoast wannabe writer...

urban autumn

*all this talk of doughnuts makes me want coffee*

oh to be young...

what's a girl to do?

[status quo]

{the many faces}

{a oui bit of red nail polish.... and a new attitude}

[definition]

uncomplicated? way too much to ask...

:: ripe old age of.....23? ::

[ticking][transitional][timebomb]

[[perpetual price tag]]

stuck in a rut? continue reading...

do unto others...oops??

one small step for "red," one giant leap for... who??

I might deny this later...

2009...hmmm...???

...still, small voice...

{one of those moments}

Love Actually

change winds are blowing...yet again

...cheap imitation...

Madness I tell yah...

my best

just kiddin.... change of plans?!?

new options = new outlook

"dream big"... sometimes i wish i didnt dream at all....

if you ask me: it's time for a new outlook

BEWARE: sickness may lead to boredom...

{a little o' this and a little o' that}

keep your eyes on the prize!

...and I don't ever wanna talk about it again...

all this talk of doughnuts makes me want coffee